It’s An Absolute Judgment Free Zone, Or Is It?

I am not going to start this post by saying that it is going to be “a little controversial”. Let’s face it, based on where you stand on literally any topic, all posts have the potential to be controversial. Even one about our puppy, Sam. And this post is definitely not going to be any different. If one is going to talk about judgment, facing judgment is absolutely a possibility. Maybe even likely? Probably.

And that’s ok. I am writing my posts to provoke thoughts. As much as I added my podcast not to provide answers but rather questions and perspectives. Interested in tuning in? You can find my first nervous but honest attempts it here on Spotify.

Have you ever been judged? Oh yes, I have. I basically grew up in a judgment zone. Since I was bullied from the moment puberty hit. Actually maybe even before that. Judgment, with focus on my body, was something I experienced daily. All, that many kids in school would see, when looking at me, were my boobs. I was only 11 or 12 years old but my body apparently had not gotten that message. And so, basically overnight, had morphed into the body of an overweight porn star. Or a cow with huge udders. At least that’s what people seemed to see. Based on many of the comments I received.

And it defined me. People overlooked the actual person and most importantly the still very young child in that body completely. They thought I must be stupid, too. Well, they were wrong. They missed the really important information as they were busy judging.

So yes, I do know exactly how judgment feels. Judged for my chest and my weight. And I also remember that my parents’ attempts to “help” me did start with judgment, too. They confirmed, that I was in fact becoming “too fat” and needed to lose weight. Oh and they had an interesting perspective on my chest as well. They were basically telling me I should be happy, as many women would be jealous and would want their chests to look like mine. I guess they overlooked completely that a 12 year old girl is not a woman. Not by a long shot. And in the process invalidated (judged?) how I was feeling. Ha. Interesting how that goes, isn’t it?

I vividly recall that, as long as I experienced their judgment, none of their proposals to actually lose the weight ever made it to my brain. In order to block out the impact of the judgment, I also blocked out the “information” that could have been valuable. I can’t say for sure if it would have been, though. Because I don’t recall any of it. Despite having a nearly photographical memory. The feeling of judgment made me shut everything else out completely. Valuable information, offers to support or accidental words of encouragement never made it into my mind.

Based on this exposure to bullying and judgment, my mind must be a judgment free zone, right? Having gone through this experience must clearly prevent me from judging others? Yeah, no! That’s not how that works. I wish that was one of the good things that came out of this experience. I really do.

But first of all I was taught that big girls are ugly. As are big boys, for that matter. So, despite the fact that I experienced this myself, my mind tips over into that judgment zone, too. It’s what I internalized for years. And secondly, we are all prone to judging others. All of us.

Why? Well, our brains have not evolved that much since we left the caves and started walking straight. It’s “in our DNA” to observe and judge others to determine whether they pose a (physical) threat to us or not. The dictionary.com definition of judgment is here, by the way. And no, my chest did not pose a threat to anyone who ever judged or bullied me for it. However, I was not in line with “the norm”. I was different from what some kids around me were taught to believe to be ok. And “different” can be perceived as a threat.

These days the physical threats are different from what the cavemen and cavewomen experienced. Yet, a different opinion or a different belief can feel threatening and lead to judgment as well. For starters, it goes against our confirmation bias. We do not appreciate if someone challenges our believes. We are assuming we are right (more about the risks associated with assumptions, here). So people with a different opinion, belief etc. must be wrong and are threatening (our believes) us.

And then things can get really difficult, if those different believes or opinions also go against our core values. Now what? We are snapping into fight or flight mode. And judgment is definitely more fight mode. Especially as it usually does not end with judging just in our minds. Next will be trying to change the other person. Not in a rational, understanding and supportive way though. I’d picture a bulldozer kind of situation happening instead.

Back to my mind. My mind is not at all a judgment free zone. There are situations and topics that make me feel threatened. Someone who is overweight and looks, in my mind, similar to myself as a teenager, can awkwardly snap me back into that bullied girl. It does not feel good, it feels like a threat and my mind jumps to judgment to protect myself.

But thankfully I know that I am “judging” the moment it is happening. And with a little bit of reflection I also know why. And that stops me from acting on it. Most of the time. At least I know I would never bully someone because of their weight (or anything else). I wish I would also never judge in my head, though. Work in progress.

Those of you who know me, know that the situation around Covid-19 is tough for me. I have seen a lot of grief and gone through some drama because of it. Covid-19 feels like an absolute threat to me. And after what happened in 2020 and all we have been through as humans, I honestly believe that everyone who can, should get vaccinated.

I trust the science and any small doubts about the vaccines are outweighed by the millions of people who lost their lives because of Covid. I consider it my civic duty to get the vaccine and any booster shot that scientists tell me to get. If I can save my life and those of my husband and others, count me in.

The trauma of Covid feels like a huge threat to my well being. And so it’s not surprising to me, that I have a really hard time to understand how someone who is eligible to get the vaccine would ever decide against it. I do not understand it. At all. And that’s where judgment comes into play.

My (well) being is under a huge threat and the vaccination is the solution for me. As an outcome my mind is pulling towards judgment of those wo aren’t getting vaccinated, like our pooch Sam would be pulling towards his most favorite food. Pasta, by the way. That’s his most favorite food. But I digress.

I am considering myself an empathetic person and also an empathetic people leader. And yet I am really struggling. The country, no actually the world, is divided into those who get vaccinated and those who don’t. And as are companies and their employees around the globe. As a leader, the last thing I want to do is to discriminate against a team member or a colleague or boss or anyone, really. And I do not want to judge anyone either.

Yet, it is happening. And I need to be honest with myself. Because whether I am honest or not, will define my next move. If I pretend I am not judging and that I am cool with whatever decision someone is taking, my mind will not follow suit. Instead it will snap into fight mode to protect me from harm. And the outcome could be devastating.

So, instead I am acknowledging what is happening. I feel threatened. I am afraid and worried about myself and my loved ones. And the belief of someone who does not get vaccinated is not only going against my believes and confirmation bias, it actually feels like a real physical threat. I am judging. Only in my head for now.

And I learned that the moment I am starting to judge, I am likely going to stop doing the following:

• Listening
• Learning
• Understanding
• Making informed decisions
• Being in control of my actions and most importantly…
• …being in control of the impact of my thoughts and actions

None of which sounds like a good plan to me. And while this is happening with me when I am judging, there is also likely something happening with the target of my judgment. Especially if I am showing said judgment to them:

They will feel judged and attacked and, to protect themselves, will shut any and all information related to this topic out or assess it based on their own confirmation bias. They will feel threatened, and maybe start judging themselves. And then they might stopp:

• Listening
• Learning
• Understanding
• Making informed decisions
• Being in control of their actions and most importantly…
• being in control of the impact of their thoughts and actions

And I should know. I have been in both shoes and walked for more than a mile in them, too. And does this not sound like a vicious cycle with no resolution? To me it does. And that’s why it is important for me to remind myself and everyone around me, that judgment is happening. Only if we are honest with ourselves and others, can we stop ourselves from letting it get out of our head into the open. Where it can only do damage. And I do not want to do any damage to anyone.

But Nannette, that does not resolve your problem with Covid-19 and unvaccinated people, does it? No. But it does prevent me from wasting my energy on judging vs. thinking about how I can influence and support those that might be open to it, instead. And to come up with plan B and C for situations where influencing is not possible and I need to find a way to play the cards I was dealt. Without causing harm to anyone in the game. Including, but not limited to, myself.

Understanding myself allows me to talk about this topic using the “me” form. Talking about the impacts Covid-19 and the current situation is having on me. About how I am feeling in this impossible situation and how I wish I had a solution that has everyone get what they are looking for. If I am not using the “blaming” you, but am talking about me instead, a dialogue is still a possibility.

Most importantly I can remind myself that neither those who are getting vaccinated nor those who aren’t have chosen to be in the situation they are in. And that is a common ground I can build on. A common ground my judgmental mind would have missed completely.

Another common ground can be found in the fact that either side is assessing their situation based on a sense of fear. While I fear to contract Covid, unvaccinated people might fear the impact of the vaccine much more than the threat they experience through Covid. While this is not my experience, I must acknowledge it’s theirs. And I must not judge anyone’s feeling of fear. It’s subjective. Not up for discussion.

Listening and learning is the only way we can identify common ground. If we can’t move past our judgment, we can’t get to that place. And we will never get at to a resolution. Not even to a compromise or the agreement to disagree. Which is a possible and still respectful outcome, too. One that will allow us to continue to be around each other and work with each other. It might even allow us to remain friend(ly)s.

I wish we could say “what is happening is wrong” or “what you are doing is wrong” instead of saying “because of what you do or simply seem to believe, you, as a person, are wrong”. Again, asking questions and not having the “right answer”. I am just speaking from my own experience with judgment and how it seems to shut down any and all conversation attempts someone would try to have with me. And I believe that’s not just me. Is it?

I know I am more open to listen, if feedback, education, telling me I am doing something wrong etc. comes without the noise of “judgment”. And I am just hopeful a lot more people would be able to listen and learn instead of shutting out the judgmental “noise” that impacts them, if we would be that considerate. Especially when it’s really difficult for us.

The most important question is, is it worth the additional effort it takes. For me, it is. But that decision is one everyone needs to make for themselves.

There is no such thing as a judgment free zone. There is zones, where judgment is openly talked about to prevent acting on in it. Where those involved know judgment has never created a positive outcome. Understand that it does not support change well, either. And then there is judgment zones, where people pretend not to judge, but judging is actually all they are doing.

We can choose our zone.

I have chosen mine and am still moving in and adjusting.

Be well and take care!

Nannette