Did You Know Craving Validation From Others Is Actually Seriously Risky?

When was the last time, that you celebrated yourself or something that you accomplished? All by yourself and without anyone else celebrating you or your success first? Are you usually getting excited for yourself when something joyful or great is happening or you did something awesome? If the answer is yes, good for you. If the answer is no, then this post might be for you as you might be “craving” for or be dependent on the validation from others.

Just to be clear, a little bit of that craving is likely in everyone who is posting any successes, stories or experiences in Social Media. Unless we are a news outlet, our posts aren’t exactly public service, or are they? And hey, joy, much like love, is one of the few things that is growing, when we share it with others. So nothing wrong with that, really.

Most of us are also likely not opposed to compliments for a successfully completed job or task at work and will enjoy praises from our bosses or leaders. I don’t know many that do not care about that at all or even dislike it. Especially if it’s genuine compliments or praises. To me that seems to be absolutely normal and no cause for concern.

But…And it really is a big but here…

If we are only able to feel joy, excitement, success or accomplishment, once someone “likes” or even “loves” our posts or approves and validates our successes at work, we might be crossing a seriously risky “line” in our lives. I have lived on the wrong side of this line for a long time. So, I think you can trust me when I am saying been there, done that.

And today I thought I would share my experience. How I made it to the “right” side and the tools I developed to stay there. The right side you should asked, well it is the side, where I am not depending on or craving for the validation from others anymore.

You are having high expectations of yourself? You are not actually happy when you completed a task or have done something great? Or you are maybe even not expecting much of yourself at all? Then you might be at risk to have crossed this line or at least tipped your toes over it already. Check out my experience and see if you maybe recognize yourself in some of it.

As I shared before, I have been bullied as a child and as a teenager. The details do not really matter here, but the bullying has influenced the person I grew up to be. Yet it would not be fair to say my craving for validation from others was purely an outcome of this. My late Dad (may he rest in peace) was a person with extremely low self-esteem. He was not able to recognize others’ successes or celebrate them, without making it about himself.

Whenever I felt accomplished, it turned into something I only achieved because of him. Or my parents and all the things they’d done for me. Little did they know that the things they did, indeed, had a lot to do with what I would accomplish in life. And not in a way he would have been able to imagine. But I digress.

So, I grew up learning that my worth was really defined by others. And I also was not worth much, as I was “fat and ugly” and absolutely not “enough” the way I was. Uff. So, whenever I felt accomplished, I turned to food so it would feel like a real celebration. And whenever something went wrong, I turned to food for comfort, because that is what I was taught would help. As you can imagine, this did not help with the being “fat” part. It really did not.

At some point, after I had moved out to go live everywhere but in that home town of mine, I realized I had to take ownership for my life and what happens next. I wrote about that process in this blog post here.

While I started doing that, I still had not reached the point yet, where I felt like I was worth anything just the way I was. And so of course I naturally defaulted to a relationship, where I was all in and my partner was not at all. And I stayed in this on and off relationship with an utter lack of being valued as a person, just because I was so craving the validation of others. Even if that validation was not even real or serious.

I found a job that I loved, and I was lucky to work in the company of a friend. I was good at what I was doing, and clients made compliments about my work. There it was the validation from others I was so dependent on. But once I got it, I needed more. Just like any junky addicted to a substance. And so, I did a lot to get it. Including things that I am not proud of. That I wasn’t proud of at the time either. I just could not help myself.

Just to clarify I did not harm anyone or did anything criminal etc. I know, as I am not sharing details, the fantasy can go crazy places, so I want to make that very clear. And the details do not really matter. What matters is, I did it for the attention and validation of others. And that, at the very least, was the wrong motive. And it did damage relationships that mattered, not only to me.

Thinking about this again I have to say it is kind of sad. But I cannot change the past, I am only able to own what happens next. And so, I am moving on.

While this was sad and could have become super risky, it really is not yet the most dangerous part of craving others’ validation. From what I have experienced at least. If you are craving others’ attention, validation, love, “likes” etc. it will show. People will know that about you. Especially people who are up to no good, will recognize you as an “easy victim”.

See, when people know about us that we are craving their validation, it is only a small step (and a poor character) to abuse and manipulation. They will manipulate us by giving or withholding said validation. On purpose. And with their own benefits in mind. And suddenly we become a puppet on their strings. They “teach us” what we need to do to receive their validation and what to avoid, so it would not be withheld. Sounds ugly? It is! And it happens all the damn time. Because we let it happen. Because as an attention junkie we just cannot help ourselves.

And what if no one provides us with the validation we are so dependent upon? Either because people do not recognize how much we need it, or they just do not care or want to? Where does that leave us? Typically, low in energy and drive. The validation is our fuel after all. Without it, we will not be motivated and ultimately, we will not be able to deliver results. Which will lead to a vicious cycle because now there is no reason for validation anymore. How would we even get out of this again?

It took me many years, until I was in my 30s, to finally not only admit what I have known all along but also put in the hard work to change it. The kick in my behind came from my boss at that time. He was about to promote me and asked me to go on a walk with him. And when we did, he told me he wanted to promote me, but I was posing a risk to him and his organization. Because I was craving validation and attention and he had seen people manipulate me with it. He gave me some “shocking” examples. The worst part? None of what he told me was new to me or came as a surprise at all. But now I was just robbed of the ability to continue lying to myself.

And now came the tough part. Admitting this to myself also meant judging myself. I did not want to be this person. The person that did things for the validation from others and their attention. I felt even more “ugly” for it and could have easily slipped back into old habits. Thankfully, I was in a happy and healthy relationship with my soul mate, and I felt loved unconditionally. In August we will have been together for 22 years!

And so, I forgave myself instead. I reminded myself that I could not change my past and that I should accept my experience as a child as mitigating circumstances. It was not entirely my fault what happened in the past, but I could own what would come next. Strike that “could” and replace with “must”.

And I made a promise to myself. I promised myself to work hard until I was able to celebrate my own small wins. By myself. No strings attached. No validation from others needed. And that, as soon as that craving would creep back in, I would stop doing whatever I was doing. Posting on Social Media, telling my Boss what I accomplished for him to validate it as good, sharing successes with colleagues etc. I would do none of this, until I would be able to be satisfied with what I did by myself, first.

I finally lost the care. Care for others’ opinions or feedback over my own. I appreciate feedback and I am taking every feedback into consideration. But I finally love myself enough, to not make myself and my worth dependent on this feedback or others’ thoughts about me.

Funny story – once I stopped working for the validation of others, I was finally able to lose the 60lb I had to lose to become healthy and fit. And trust me, I celebrated every pound I lost by myself as if it was my job. I am still celebrating every year I am keeping that weight off with a positive Facebook post praising my own strength. And yes, I appreciate that people like it or comment. But if they did not, I would keep the weight off and keep going. For me.

Just like with any addiction though, I am not “cured”. In my weakest moments I need to be diligent to not slip back into old habits or let others pull me back and start manipulating me. But I have proven to myself, that I can do this. And life is so much better with me knowing, valuing and loving my own worth. Every single day.

And believe it or not, once I was able to shake this craving, I became much more successful in my job, too. Because I am doing what I think should be done, trust my own intuition and ideas instead of doing what I think others would like or validate. It is very liberating, too.

So, if any of the above sounds familiar, know you are not alone. And most importantly know, if I can overcome this, so can you. Find an accountability buddy who keeps you on your toes, when you are falling back into your old habits. Do not know anyone that could do that for you? Well, now you do! Find me on LinkedIn here and let’s do this!

To those who feel the urge to judge me for my journey, make sure you are not in a glass house, before you throw your stone. And if you do, please know I could not care less.

Go be great, just for yourself!

Nannette