It’s OK To NOT Be OK!

It’s OK to not be OK! Here, I said it publicly. Because I mean it, too! And if your first reaction to this intro is “of course, why would you even talk about it. That is common sense”. Then let me first congratulate you to your self-compassion! And second let me tell you, there is an unfortunate reason I am talking about this important topic.

How are you feeling about the current situation the world finds itself in? You are trying to make the best of it and move on with your life? Yes, that about perfectly sums up my approach too. And I would assume, this is what many others of us are doing or trying to do as well.

Now unfortunately, the normal stresses and pains of life have not stopped either. And aside from the pandemic, grief, sorrows and painful (work) experiences are still happening too. Even without these, things can get pretty overwhelming at times. Add those in and it can get super intense and tough.

As humans we tend to compare ourselves. People that want to lose weight (like myself 3 something years ago) tend to compare their success with the success of others. Because we have not learned to take ourselves as our only measure. I truly believe in the saying:

“Comparison is the thief of joy!”

Theodore Roosevelt

Because it’s really hard to not find someone who is better at something you are doing. And there might be many reasons for that that are completely out of your control. But it can be quite disheartening and discouraging to see their results compared to yours. It might even stop you from continuing something you are actually enjoying. Don’t!

This tendency of comparing ourselves is at least challenging, when it comes to positive results but it gets really dangerous, when it comes to comparing what feels like a painful situation to us, with the difficult situations others are in. Much like I am feeling sad and exhausted, but xyz just lost a family member or is suffering from cancer etc., so I really should not be feeling like this. They have it so much worse.

Life does not work like this. Yes, many people in the world likely have it much worse than we do. BUT that does not really matter when it comes to not being OK yourself. It just doesn’t. When we are doing this comparison to ourselves, we are adding guilt to our feeling of being overwhelmed, sad, exhausted etc. Guilt about feeling the way we are feeling in light of the worse situation of someone else.

I have been there and done this. And I am usually pretty self-compassionate. Have you ever tested your self-compassion? Give it a shot here, it’s interesting and provides great insights and tips. https://self-compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/

Back to my latest slip into comparing myself with someone else that did not go so well. Just recently I found myself in a pretty difficult situation. I had to tell someone that I am caring about, that one of their good friends had taken their own life. Yes, tell me about it. On top, I completely underestimated the whole situation. I was completely focused on the person I was talking to and not at all on myself.

I have never done such thing. And I was certainly not prepared for the impact I would be having on the person I cared about. Not to talk about how I would be feeling after all of this. And all of this had to happen via call, thanks to our current pandemic situation.

After that call, I felt pretty shaken up. And my very first reaction was anger. With myself. Because of course me feeling like that, was ridiculous. Did I not realize, that I just had hurt someone badly and did I not understand in how much pain this person had to be now? Why would I feel the way I did? I was not close friends with the person, who took their life. Honestly did not even know them that well. I did not deserve to feel like this.

Sure enough, I spent the week trying to be there for everyone else. On the other hand, I kept beating myself up for feeling sad and emotionally exhausted myself. Actually with every interaction about this situation, I felt worse about the way I was feeling.

This all happened on a Monday. On the Thursday of that same week, a grief counseling session had been organized for everyone impacted. And because I felt I should be a role model, I spoke up about what was going on in my head. And the moment I talked about it, it dawned on me, what I had done. I had compared myself with the situation of others, instead of giving myself a break.

So please, whenever you are feeling overwhelmed, sad, exhausted, emotionally drained etc. without any major events in your life, stop that little voice in your head that wants to judge your feelings right away.

It is OK to not be OK . You do not need a “good reason” or excuse for it. Judging yourself due to comparison will just make things worse. Instead try to deal with it, so it does not drive you into a funk. What’s the funk? You can read everything about it here https://mykindofsuccess.net/beat-the-funk/

So usually, when I manage to not step into the comparison trap, this is what I would do, when I am not OK:

• Allow myself to go through the feeling, but limiting the time I am allowing myself to spend on this (to not wallow in my feelings and miss the way out)
• Let my frustration out (talk to a colleague, a friend, my husband, our dog)
• Take regular breaks, walk in fresh air (if pandemic lock-downs allow for it of course) and take a deep breath.
• Move my body (walk, run, jump) to produce some endorphins
• Break down what ever it is that overwhelms me into smaller bits and pieces and then tackle them piece by piece instead of all at once
• Celebrate every bit and piece I have been able to accomplish
• Plan only for the day or the next day, not for everything I will need to do in the next couple of weeks as that would further overwhelm me
• Read a good book
• Write a blog post about what’s on my mind and by doing so, turn my negative energy into positive energy (many forms of creativity will help you do that!)

What I am, more or less successfully, trying not to do is

• Be bitchy with my husband (not always successful but ALWAYS sorry when it happens)
• Be bitchy with others
• Eat my feelings (if hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer)
• Wallow in my feelings or suppress my feelings

None of these are really helpful. The opposite is the case. They add to your sadness or frustration.

It really is OK to not be OK. You don’t have to apologize for it. But you should definitely own your attitude about it and your way out!

Be well!