Working Hard At Actually Being Happy And Content

If you read some of my previous posts, you probably know by now, that I am a work in progress. I totally am. I am never going to stop learning. Well I will eventually, but that’s when I also stop being. And I am very thankful that I learned this lesson. One thing I continue to learn and work on is actually being happy and content. Because it does not always come naturally to me. But I am never going to stop putting in the hard work. It’s definitely worth it.

So what does happiness and contentment mean? Well, likely something different for all of us. However let’s check in with dictionary.com and see what they have to say about it. Just to have a comment starting point. You can find their results for happiness here and for contentment here. As you will see, both words are being used to explain each other, but I think there is a little bit of a difference between them.

For me, happiness is being able to feel pleasure and joy. In its purest and simplest form. Just being joyful (full of joy). And contentment is more the feeling of satisfaction. Which should make us happy, but it can also be more neutral as in the “absence of dissatisfaction”. So, being happy and content can come together, but for me they do not have to and that’s perfectly fine.

Life is not making either extremely easy on many of us right now, would you agree? I mean happiness in a global pandemic with many lives lost and all the tragedy is definitely not easily happening. But that’s exactly why I am writing this post. I don’t think happiness or contentment are just so happening. For me they are both work. In times like these, hard work actually. The funny thing is, I am usually the biggest obstacle on my journey to being happy and content. Funny indeed. And good to realize and understand, too.

How am I the obstacle? Oh, pull up a chair and get a beverage, there is so many ways I can self-sabotage my happiness and contentment. It will take a while. No worries, I am not going to share all of them in nitty gritty details. I don’t want to bore you, just trying to do the “provoking a thought process thing” that I love doing so much. For the unlikely event that you can recognize yourself in any of these experiences of mine.

Let’s start with how I can (and might have) sabotage(d) my own happiness. One way is to wallow in negative experiences or thoughts. Forever. In my twenties I liked to spend my weekends on 48 hour raves. Yep, electronic music and dancing not just all night but two days in a row, sounded really appealing to me. Today I can easily do the same. No, not the dancing all night part. Even not sleeping for one night gives me chills and not in a good way.

I am talking about 48+ hours pity parties. Or those thoughts that are nagging at us “that everything is bad”, “we will never be enough”, “we are a complete failure” and so on. Giving those the room they do not deserve is definitely sabotaging my own happiness. Instead of looking at the bright side of things, I can get lost in my own pity or in some painful thoughts or worse, memories. Memories are a tricky one for me, because with a photographic memory, getting lost in painful memories means watching them like a drama movie. Without the popcorn, fun and suspense. Thankfully I developed a technique to pull myself out of them as well. A big game changer for my own happiness. I shared it here, if you are interested.

So when I am able to observe myself doing this, I can take action. I can use my technique to pull myself out of thoughts and I can make the decision to focus on the nice things around me. My husband and soulmate is here with me, we have our lovely pooch and are living a pretty good and healthy life all things considered. Sometimes it’s not easy to see this. Whenever that happens, I am making a list of nice things in my life. That always helps. Well, always is a big word. Want to learn more about the usage of extremes like always or never? Check out my post here.

So it normally works and it usually makes me smile. Smiling and happiness definitely belong together.

Taking on the problems of the world is another way of preventing my own happiness. Yes, a lot of things are really not great and many people are having a lot of problems, sorrows, grief etc. But making them mine, too, only makes one more person unhappy; it’s not going to solve anything. So I keep reminding myself being there for others and trying to help comes with the limitation of me being human not superhuman. I need breaks and self-care and the reminder that even when others are not right now, I still deserve to be happy.

Last but not least, a good start and end to my day can make for a happier life. Yet I regularly read business emails or the news right after I got up or right before I go to bed. Trust me, I love my job, but some emails are better read after I had a lovely start to my day with a long walk with my husband and the dog. And some news are just not suited to provide the peace of mind needed for a good night’s sleep.

What’s with not only being happy, but being happy and content. How do I undermine my own contentment? Well that’s even easier than sabotaging happiness. I just have to compare myself to others. There is always someone happier (sigh), more successful, richer, prettier etc. than me. So comparing myself will definitely put a strain on my contentment. With myself or with what I am having in my life. And no, comparing myself to someone that has a lot less than I do, does not make me feel more content. It makes me unhappy (remember the problems of the world thing?). So yes, Comparison is the “thief of joy” unless you are comparing your own progress. That can be a source of motivation, for sure.

Another great way of making myself less content is trying to meet expectations of others of how I should be. Without double checking, if those are actually my own expectations, too. Once in a while I feel like I should be doing more intellectual stuff with my time, especially in the evening after work.

Like I should be reading books, that will make me a lot smarter, learn a new language or at least watch enlightening documentaries. And of course I should definitely do something creative or maybe fancy? Thankfully this usually only lasts for a couple of minutes until I remember, I can do me, instead. And be totally content with my preference to watch crime tv shows alongside my husband. And, if I am lucky, with the puppy lying next to me. Pure bliss.

Being part of Corporate America, you are easily exposed to expectations of you, that you are not meeting. Some of these might be a good tool to grow and can be explored. Others should just simply be ignored. If you are constantly trying to meet others’ expectations of you instead of being you, you might be in the wrong place. I at least am seriously unhappy and discontented, when met with unrealistic or simply wrong expectations of me. So I learned to ignore them, once I decided I am not willing to meet them. Mostly. Exceptions are an affirmation of the rule. As I said before – WIP.

Always expecting more of myself is another trap, I can easily fall into. Acknowledging and most importantly celebrating my small wins and successes are a good antidote. It helps me take failures as a means to achieve more of these small wins Instead of considering myself as a failure because of my failures. Because otherwise I might, on top of not being content, also become unhappy, too.

This is not easy for me, especially when it comes to caring for others. No matter how much I care, I can’t prevent negative things from happening to the people I care for all the time. I would so love to. But I need to be able to be content by accepting I just can’t. And that this does not make me a failure. I am making mistakes, even when I am caring. And those mistakes are part of the process of caring, not a proof that I am not caring. This one is definitely tough for me. Being empathetic does not help with this. Unless I can find the empathy and sympathy for myself, too.

Check out my post about the struggles of an empathetic people leader here. It gives you a glimpse of what I am talking about.

I am trying to focus on those small moments when I am able to inspire someone. Or just to be there for someone and making them feel important and cared for. What makes me happy and content is, when someone reaches out because they read one of my posts and asks for a coffee chat as they need to sort through some things. Or when someone shares how my vulnerability or struggles helped them with theirs. Makes me really happy and content, too.

These small moments are huge. Being able to see them for what they are and what they mean for my happiness and contentment is worth all the hard work in the world.

Being happy and content is my decision and my choice. I have to decide that I deserve to be happy and to be content, just the way I am. And then I only need to choose focusing on things that pay into these feelings. Focusing on the beauty of clouds in the sunny Florida sky vs. the fact that the upcoming rain would mean we might not be able to play with the pooch. Or focusing on the smile on my team members’ faces, when we had a lovely chat vs. the fact (and yes, pressure) that this might be their only real and nice chat for the entire week due to the pandemic, lockdown and living alone.

It really is about focusing on whatever helps us make ourselves happy and content. Because happiness and contentment do not just so happen to us. We have to create them ourselves.

We have to make the decision and choice!

Have a happy & content week and take care

Nannette