Are You Actually Really Listening To Understand?
Are you a good listener? I admire people that are naturally good at listening. Not just being quiet while someone else is speaking. Actually actively listening. I am not good at it. Partly because I am a pretty chatty person. But also because I am not the most patient human there is, either. I am lucky that I am quite observant and also am having a close to photographic memory. I will understand quickly and also archive it for good. Literally.
Yet I am not a good listener and I have to work hard every day to become better at it. Why? Because listening is one of the most powerful skills there is. If we do it to really understand. Not just to pretend. And most importantly not to simply wait for a cue to jump in and make our so important point. Don’t get me wrong, the point we want to make might or might not be important. We would however know better if it is, if we listened to others around us first. And read the room.
Being a good listener requires an open mind. If we are judging whatever someone else is saying, our mind is focused on that and will likely miss important information. There are so many obstacles when we try not to judge, though. Our values, our beliefs, our form of the day, our “experience backpack” and our friend the confirmation bias. The latter likes to make us assume subcontext that affirms our beliefs, so that we will get rewarded with a good feeling in the reward system area of our brain. Tricky! I shared more about the risk that comes with assumptions here.
I care a lot for the members of my team at work. It’s a very diverse team with different cultural backgrounds. As a caring leader, it pains me when they share their personal struggles or sorrows with me and of course I want to help. My natural reaction would usually be to give advice. But I really do not have any business doing that, until I really learned about their actual life situation and circumstances and understand. So when they talk about said struggles, my job is to simply keep my mouth shut and listen. Reminding myself I know nothing. It’s not easy for me at all, but I will keep trying as it’s worth it. My advice will make so much more sense, if I do.
Talking too much myself prevented me from understanding important facts about my team in the past. Whenever I had a one to one meeting with one of my team members, I would talk about things that they needed to do and asked for progress updates, half-heartedly listening to what they had to share. I care for them. I really do. Yet I am not very patient and so I took the lead in those meetings to make them efficient. Telling myself it was in our both interest. I could not have been more wrong.
One time I accidently (I wish I could claim this as my purposeful doing) asked how they were doing and was exhausted and not in a chatty mood, so, I actually listened. Thankfully I might add. After a long time of working together, I realized that this weekly time with me meant a lot to my colleague and they really needed that time and me just being there to listen. Because thanks to the pandemic there was only me and this meaningful interaction left for them for the entire week.
A punch in the gut would have felt much better than this realization. I had failed them poorly by not being a better listener who actualu really listens to understand. Most importantly better at “listening” the things that they were not actually saying, but that their facial expression and tone of voice were expressing nonetheless.
And that’s another thing we are missing, if we are just waiting for our cue to talk or are stressing through a meeting to be “efficient”. All the non-verbal communication that is so very telling. If we understand. And that will help us become a better leader and a better human in the process. Our opportunity to apply emotional intelligence, instead of saying something “smart” that has zero meaning or impact. You can learn more about non-verbal communication here.
If we are listening with an open mind (and heart) and are making sure we remind ourselves we know nothing, we might learn something about someone else, that even they did not know, yet. We can help them realize this, by actively listening and then asking targeted questions. I am experiencing this literally every time I am having a session with my coach. Her ability to listen is a superpower. She does not only listen to the words in my torrent of words but also to the words I am not saying. Because she is such a great listener, I am always leaving the session with thoughts that had been a messed up puzzle when we started and are now a bunch of neat and awesome ideas and plans.
How powerful is this if we apply it as a leader as well? Listening to be able to ask targeted questions. Not to drive our own point home, but to help our team to structure and then get out their own great ideas. I am striving for this every single day. We are coaches after all.
Want to identify tensions, bullying, discrimination, bias and other issues facing the world including the business world? We must listen to understand. Listen to what is said in team meetings, but also to what is not said, who is talking vs. not talking and how jokes are made. If we as the leader are the ones talking all the time, we will never know what’s happening behind the scene.
I am not a patient person. Honestly, that’s an absolute understatement. When reading, my brain skips three lines ahead allowing me to read 300+ pages books in less than 2 days (if I can carve out the time). I love reading, because I can dictate the pace. My pace. I can’t do that, when listening. I am thankful for my coach who likes to share podcasts. It trains my “listening patience”. I genuinely dislike it. But I know it is super important.
So when I need to listen, I have to work really really hard, to not let my impatience get in the way. To not send non-verbal signals to the talker to speed up (I am guilty of that more often than I care to admit) or to simply, and yes, rudely, interrupt the speaker. It’s not personal and not the speakers fault at all. It’s my brain that is desperately trying to skip at least 3 lines ahead. Thankfully humans have no fast forward function. We have to respect that and I hereby pledge to continue to try.
I am a very self-reflected person who is well aware of the benefits of listening. I am still not a great listener at all. Knowing it and doin it right, all the time, are two different pair of shoes. So, this post is as much a reminder for myself than it is for anyone else that needs to read this, too.
Do you have experience with sales and negotiations? Before I dipped my toe into this field, I genuinely thought it was all about having the most arguments on your side. I could not have been more wrong. As a salesperson or negotiator you need two main skills. Asking the right questions and then keeping your mouth shut and listen. And listen. And then listen some more. Because the listener will get to hear all the great arguments that will help sell the product or service or win the negotiation. Proudly presented (given away) by the talker. It does not hurt to have done some research on your counterpart (or their company). But not to shine by talking about what you learned. But to know what to listen for instead.
These are the things that help me work on my listening skills:
- Regularly reminding myself to keep an open mind
- Telling myself that I know nothing and to remain curious
- Focus on the speaker AND the room (virtual or not) and observe non-verbal communication
- Listen to what’s not said (subcontext)
- Remind my brain we are not reading, hence we can’t speed this up. And should not try!
- Ask probing questions to make sure I REALLY understand
- Taking notes (on cues I want to probe later, not cues that will allow me to talk about what’s on my mind)
- Summarize (always summarize)
This little tool kit is what helps me in situations, when I am struggling with listening. Either because my tolerance for nonsense is super low (see post here) and I feel I am about to hear some, or because the speaker generalizes or uses extremes a lot. Provoking me to challenge what is being said (check-out my blog post on this topic here).
Having this toolkit definitely helps me, when I have to listen to uncomfortable or difficult information or feedback. When things get emotional, our ability to listen declines rapidly. There is a rush of blood running through our head, sometimes literally making our ears ring. We are losing focus and if you add feeling like defending ourselves, things can go south rather quickly. And we are also likely going to show our emotions on our face, too. If we want to avoid that, we can use the tool kit.
We should tell ourselves we know nothing and remain curious. Take notes, that gives us a way of focusing, collecting our thoughts and also helps control our facial expression. Once we got our voice back under control, we can ask probing questions and summarize. That’s an appropriate reaction to difficult feedback. It shows we are listening. We can then ask for time to think before we react if we fear our reaction might not be appropriate. Or will be giving away an emotion we do not want to show.
Active listening, understanding the verbal and non-verbal signs and then being able to engage is what helps build trust and ultimately relationships. I truly believe when we become good at this, we will make a huge step forward in both our personal lives as well as our careers.
In the difficult process of becoming an ally, listening is instrumental. Without being defensive and with an absolute open mind. This applies as much to spoken word as to things we are reading while we try to educate ourselves. I am not an expert in white fragility (check out more here), but being a white woman with all the privilege that comes with, I do know a thing or two about the urge to defend myself. Active listening instead is what will help me make the difference I want to make.
Whenever I succeed, I get a glimpse of what a better human I can be, just by “simply listening” well. A very rewarding process to be in. For me anyways.
Listen, learn, repeat!
Take care
Nannette
