Should We Really Just Focus On The Things We Can Control?

I recently shared with my coach how I felt compelled to bust some of Social Media’s wisdoms/myths. Social Media wisdoms? I am sure you have seen those one sentence “insights” on platforms like LinkedIn that sound really good. They usually seem easy enough to follow. They also somewhat claim to be the one size fits all solution to mostly all our problems. Or the one size fits all leadership style for all leaders and all their employees, for that matter. One of them being “control what you can control” or “focus on what you can control”. I shared this very same “wisdom” myself in previous posts.

Control The Things That You Can Control

Says Almost Everyone Giving Public Advise

So am I having a change of hearts or just a problem with LinkedIn influencers? None of the above. I just want to emphasize that my posts and (previously) shared thoughts do have one purpose only: They are supposed to make the reader think. Because I strongly believe that one size does not fit all. And if that is true, then wisdoms shared in blogs, on LinkedIn etc. should maybe not be read, internalized and then copied. And shared in the millions. Instead people should read them and then think about them. And challenge them to make them their own and develop them further into individual wisdoms that fit the individuals we all are.

So what you are saying Nannette is, we should NOT focus on the things we can control? Has it ever been that easy, dear reader? No. Not in my life it has not. What I am saying is, there is no secret parallel universe that will magically absorb all the things we can’t control. They won’t vanish by themselves. Let’s talk pandemic for instance, shall we? No vanishing. Just spreading. And definitely one of the things that overwhelmed or rather overwhelms me and I do not like to focus on at all. Yet, here we are and ignoring did not make this problem any smaller. Some politicians are really trying that “ignore until it resolves itself” approach very hard. Or they are just stupid and believe what they are saying? Not my place to judge (but just might have anyways).

One Size Does Not Fit All

Nannette Coerlin

But no worries. I am not changing my mind. Focus is still our friend. You can find my thoughts about this topic here. And whenever things just seem to be too much, I am still doing the same exercise of not only focusing on the things I can control in the moment, but also writing them down to reinforce that feeling of “being in control”.

What we have not yet really explored is, how doing exactly that should be part of a more comprehensive process. And this process should probably include paying attention to the things that “we can’t control” as well. Or we could find ourselves a black hole and send them there. Whatever works better, I guess. Too complicated? Well, then maybe somehow dealing with them is the better approach for now.

Someone on LinkedIn lately talked about micro humiliations. Small annoyances that we can’t control and hence often times choose to ignore. Not realizing that internally each of those micro annoyances is building up a storm. And if left unresolved, thunder and lightning might hit (us or others) when we least expect it. Hard, I might add. We have all been there, haven’t we? There is a seemingly small thing happening and we are exploding as if someone had just stolen our car from underneath us. Or kidnapped our puppy or spouse (maybe in a different order). You get the point. We can likely thank micro humiliations or other ignored annoyances for this outburst. Or better, we should blame ourselves because it’s us who chose to not deal with them, when we still had the chance in the first place

Other examples are behaviors or experiences we can’t tolerate, but our preferred reaction would be inappropriate. To say the least. We usually try to lock these thoughts or feelings away, especially if we are already overwhelmed. Instead we focus on the things we can control. We should still make an effort and pay attention to these things we can’t control (yet) and make a conscious decision on our reaction in the moment as well as a plan to deal with them again later, when we feel less overwhelmed. We could then for example figure out how we can influence and drive change. And because we gave ourselves the time to first focus on what we could control in the moment, our mind will be much more open and might coming up with ideas much easier, too.

But often times we just let it go when the moment has passed. It’s easier that way. Less effort and we survived so what’s the fuss? Well, still unresolved these ignored annoyances can become a trigger, that makes us figuratively shoot the next person that puts us in a similar situation. Probably inadvertently. And those situations are likely to happen in a work environment and shooting, even if figuratively, is never a good idea. Picture your boss with an arrow in their head…So next time when we have zero tolerance for the nonsense in our life, we could check out my post about this topic here and try emotional regulation instead (definition and details here on psychology today).

After we resolved the feeling of being overwhelmed, we should next pay attention to the things we could not control and that had led to the state of being overwhelmed. And at the very least give them a moment to either acknowledge they are what they are and that is ok (like really make peace with it, not just a ceasefire) or, while we can’t control them directly, there is still things we can do to influence change. And then follow through with that, so that they won’t come back later to bite us. This step should not be ignored, even though it’s interestingly enough never part of the online wisdom. And the reason is easy, it just does not sound as catchy, simple and easy. And we humans are lazy, we like boxes that deliver one size fits all simple and easy solutions.

Don’t believe it? Look at all the stuff we have invented to support our laziness. I doubt there wear couches, food delivery and instacart directly after the big bang. Or after gods creation was completed on day 6. Whatever you choose to believe.

So, next time when someone is sharing their wisdom of “focus on the things you can control” on Social Media, think of me and how one size does not fit all (people, situations, circumstances) and add a tiny little “first” to that sentence. “Focus on the things you can control first.”

Focus On What You Can Control – First

What Everyone Should Be Saying Who Is Giving Online Advise

But Nannette, what if we really like the thought someone is sharing? Great. Let’s do exactly what thoughts are for. Let’s think (about) them.

Take care & don’t let others do the thinking for you!

Nannette