“I am sorry” – are you really?

If you have read some of my posts already, you will know accountability and integrity are very important to me. In fact combined they are my top 1 value, followed by care as my top 2.

I honestly believe accountability and ownership make a huge difference in our personal and most importantly in our professional life and success. However they should never be confused with being (overly) apologetic. Being sorry all the time, even when what happened is not our fault or not even a problem at all, has nothing to do with ownership. But a whole lot with how seriously we are going to be taken.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it is a real strength if you are able to apologize when you messed something up, made a mistake or just simply got something wrong and impacted someone else negatively. If that is something you can do, maybe even as a people leader with your team, that is priceless. And for some already difficult enough.

There are however situations, where an apology is not only not needed, extending one might actually achieve the opposite of what we have intended. Being polite for example. Or bridging a break in a conversation that takes longer than expected. Even to make an awkward situation more bearable.

I am sure everyone of us has used an apology in one or even all of the above mentioned situations. And if done occassionally, it might be ok. However it also can easily let us look insecure and weak.

Years ago (actually over 20 years ago) when I started my career as a trainer at a BPO provider, I learned the hard way, how an apology could not only ruin your day but even an entire week. I had gone through some intensive training myself to become a trainer and conduct workshops on Customer Service basics. I felt super prepared, had selected some games and exercises and prepared a lot of slides. Well actually I had prepared transparent films as at that time beamers were really expensive and we used an overhead projector still.

Unfortunately for me I had prepared everything, but I relied on our IT department for the overhead projector to actually work. And of course it did not. Not a chance. I tried all the buttons available and everything that came to my mind. Now I of course also was super nervous and to make things worse the training class knew, that this was my first training ever and some were waiting for me to fail.

You can imagine, I was a nervous wreck. I asked the IT guys to come in and bring me another overhead projector. And while we were waiting for it, since I was not ready for such a unplanned event with an alternative start to the workshop, I apologized basically for not being prepared and the overhead projector not working.

And that right there – the apology and not the non-functioning overhead projector – was the end of what could have been my first successful workshop. Instead it was an ongoing nightmare for 3 days straight. The group did not have any expectations of me since this was my first class. Having apologized did not win them over for me. They also did not feel bad for me, they felt my insecurity and some of them shamelessly used it against me whenever they could. Further contributing to my insecurity of course. Needless to say the training did not go well, I just got somehow over with it. And I do not have to tell you about the trainings feedback. It was obviously bad.

Even though I had the content straight and, after the incident, went through my prepared material, I had lost the trust of the group and never managed to build followership at all. No one thought anymore, that I actually knew what I was doing. They might have learned something or not, I will never know..

Afterwards my leader, who had observed the training to provide his feedback, asked me if I knew what my mistake had been. I told him I thought, I should have checked whether or not the damn projector was working before the class joined.

He replied, that a check would surely not have hurt, but that it was not the mistake he was talking about at all. My main mistake had been having started my workshop with an apology. I had made myself small and shown all my insecurity right there. Yes, I should definitely be prepared for the likely event that technology is not supportive. But most importantly I should NEVER apologise to a class again – unless I personally did something that harmed anyone in the room.

There have been many more situations where I used a “I am sorry” too quickly or inappropriately as I really was not sorry. However right back then in my very first workshop I learned, apologizing is not necessarily helpful. And when you are sorry for yourself, apologizing does not make others feel sorry for you too. The opposite might be the case. Depending on who you are dealing with.

We often times are using “I am sorry” when we are interrupting someone or are reaching out virtually (through a company chat tool for example) and do not know whether we are disturbing them. But are we really sorry? If we are, we should not interrupt them, period. If we are reaching out because we are thinking something important needs to be shared immediately or just because we would like to have a quick chat with that person, why start the conversation with an apology?

While we might think in these situation an apology is the most polite way, in reality we are saying I am doing something to you, that I should apologize for. So if someone did not feel interrupted up until then, now they probably will because we told them they should. We could instead start with “are you ok to have a quick chat?”, “am I interrupting something important, I need you for a quick minute to..” etc.

Have you ever apologized for looking or feeling tired, being a little slow because against your better knowledge you went to work with a cold? Or have you apologized for being too hungry to focus in an all day meeting without any food served? Newsflash – you are human. Why should you apologize for that? Yes, right. You should not!

Do you have one of these colleagues that constantly asks for help with the tiniest tasks? Like “could you write the meeting minutes, I am too busy right now.” Or “do you mind putting the slides together and I will just add my comments, I have so much on my plate right now” etc.? If this is a one off situation and there is usually a give and take, why not. If it is a habit, don’t you dare replying “sorry, I can’t do it this time because I have …..(ad random excuse).” Instead we should just say: “No, I can’t do this for you but let me know if I should show you how to better prioritize.” If you have such a colleague, you should be sorry for yourself, because you let them delegate stuff to you for such a long time. But you should certainly NOT apologize TO them.

Apologies lose their power, when used too often. Either we are really constantly negatively impacting others – and definitely should find a way to stop this immediately – or we are apologizing to be polite or as a filler. Let’s please stop doing that right now.

Let’s save our apologies for situations that definitely warrant one. For example if we are a people leader and we are late for a 1:1 we scheduled. Especially if we scheduled said 1:1 at a not so convenient time for our colleague. Oh and we also should not let that “being a little late” become a habit – our colleagues’ time is not less valuable than hours. A misperception many bosses seem to have.

Another token of really good leadership is, when we make a mistake (yep, making mistakes is part of being a great people leader), we realize we did and we go ahead and apologize for it. Ideally publicly in front of the entire team. Why? Vulnerability! First of all we are showing we are a human and hence we are making mistakes. Secondly we are also showing, that we can admit a mistake and will own mistakes we made.

While talking about a mistake one of our colleagues made should always be discussed 1:1 (always, no exceptions), our own mistakes should really be discussed publicly with our entire team.

I remember one time I received a super long email chain and, against my own better knowledge, did not read the entire chain but reacted to the last 2-3 emails, lashing out to one of the colleagues I was honored to lead. The moment I had hit sent, I felt like reading the entire chain would have been a much better idea and so I immediately did.

Needless to say I of course came to find out, that what I had lashed out about, was covered within the chain and I now looked really stupid with the email I had sent. I had only send this email to my colleague, not the entire chain (remember, feedback should be given 1:1). But now that I realized what a jerk I had been, I forwarded my email to my entire team. I addressed said colleague, apologizing for not thoroughly reading and also for having lashed out at all as that was not my style nor was it appropriate. Lashing out is never deserved anyways. Ever.

I then addressed the rest of the team saying, I was clearly not having one of my best days (I was super moody that day) and to please keep me honest and on my toes should I be out of place with my feedback or tone.

This was clearly a day that needed for me to come with “a disclaimer”. And it most importantly warranted for a thorough apology. Not an apology for having a bad day – that would have been an excuse (I could have chosen to not react bitchy) and also I am human and humans are having bad days. But I had to apologize for choosing to show the reaction I did and, to make things worse. without fact checking first. I was just purely grumpy.

Currently I am in one of those situations, where an apology could have easily slipped out. Our company went through a round of restructuring. Something that is all to common in corporate America. It’s not my first rodeo in my current company either and it is never great or an easy situation. It’s stressful and painful at the same time.

This time around I am “safe”. My position is not impacted directly, but the one of a peer is. And I happen to be the one that will take over his responsibilities to manage the entire market and not just the part I managed before. It also means, I will be managing his current team. Yes, that’s some challenge right there. A delicate one. And I am totally up for it.

I feel for him and his situation. I also feel for his team, that really loved working with him and has been very close with him. Change is always difficult, I have been there myself. However, I am not confusing feeling FOR them with feeling guilty myself and I am not apologizing to either of them.

Firstly, it was not my decision. Secondly and most importantly, I worked hard and had good results which was probably part of the decision that was made. I am not going to apologize for that either. Lastly – apologizing for this to the team would be telling them I am at fault . It would put a strain on the relationship before it even had a chance. My outlet for feeling for them must be, taking care of them. Being there and supporting, while also providing a positive outlook instead of looking back, will be much more valuable.

I am definitely empathetic but am I sorry? No, I am not.

What about you? In what situations have you apologized when you should not have? Have you missed to extend an apology, when you should have and how did that turn out for you?

Please share your experience in the comments!