Always, Never And Other Conversation Killer

A Not So Serious Guide How To Start A Fight

It’s been too peaceful in your life lately? I guess you are not living in this world then? But not to worry, there is a few easy things you can do to change that. It’s all about communication. Let me help you out! You really just need a few simple conversation killer and you can get that argument or at least disagreement started.

Let’s dive right in. We could imagine ourselves in a situation where we are about to give feedback at work. Now, usually we would talk about observed behavior (positive or negative) and how we perceived it. We would provide detailed examples from current real life experiences. And maybe even allow questions to be asked. A real conversation. But where is the fun in that?

Instead we could sprinkle in a little “always” and see what happens next, shall we? You have that team member, that comes in late one day and because of that, a trickle effect happened where meetings got delayed, a deadline was missed and a client of yours was really impacted by that. Senior Leadership is not amused. To say the least.

Of course you are meeting with your team member to provide feedback. You sit them down and let them have it: “You are always late” and “we are missing all deadlines because of you”. There is no better way to cause disagreement than a little “always” here and there. Because it’s never correct. So mentally no one will ever agree to an “always” statement. No matter the situation.

I am often annoyed when my routines are interrupted and complain about it. But not always. I can recall and cite A LOT of situations where I was in fact not annoyed or at least did not complain.

My husband leaves the cabinet doors open more often than not, when taking something out. But he will definitely be able to point out those times where he absolutely did close the cabinet doors. It might happen in 99.9% of the cases, but that’s not always. It just is not. Psst, don’t tell him I shared this!

So an always feedback will naturally cause disagreement and prevent acknowledgement and learning or growth. You might not get into a fight with your colleague (yet). But you maybe could with your spouse if you pointed out the “always open cabinet doors” or whatever else your spouse is always doing (or not doing).

An always statement does not work? Try “never” instead. Same difference. Let’s say you were planning a dinner with friends (let’s pretend there is no pandemic for a second), your spouse will be home before you. You would love to take a shower before your friends arrive, but it will be tight. You are asking your spouse if they could please clean up the kitchen when they come home and they, of course, agree. Life is beautiful.

You are coming home exhausted and sweaty and, you guessed it, the kitchen has not been cleaned up at all. You really want a fight, badly. Because that’s totally the best atmosphere for your friends to get into, when they arrive. Refreshingly awkward.

No worries a “never” statement will come to the rescue. Because, if your goal would have been to get your shower and have a fun and peaceful evening with your friends, you’d likely say something like “ugh, this is going to be tight, cleaning up the kitchen and taking a shower, I might not be able to make both work”. And then your spouse might recall they had agreed to do it, feel bad that they did not and will get to work. They might even apologize making this a real conversation. Boring!

So instead you are saying “you are never cleaning up the kitchen” or, even better, “you are never keeping your promises”. Bam! Let the argument begin. Want me to tell you what happens next or do you have an idea? Right, instead of either of you taking a shower or cleaning the kitchen, you’ll discuss all the times your spouse cleaned the kitchen or kept their promises. Enjoy! Oh and since we are on it, let’s make it extra fun by pulling your friends into the conversation too, shall we? I am sure they would love to weigh in.

“Never” statements, much like “always” statements tend to slip into conversations easily. They are used to emphasize the point we want to make. And then achieve the exact opposite. Here is what “Psychology Today” has to say about it.

In the business world this is not as fun though, as employees (colleagues as I like to call them) usually do not openly argue with their bosses about “always” or “never” statements. They will just do that in their heads. And if it happens regularly, they will mentally resign. And might do a poor job if they can’t actually resign. As I said, not as much fun.

Other welcomed extremes that also help to create disagreement are “all” or “no” as well as “everyone” and “no one” if used in the right context. It happens to emphasize a point or simply out of fear, frustration, anger, experience etc. They are used by racists and demagogues for a reason. Not going to honor those theories with examples, but I am sure you get the point.

You can definitely use these to cause disagreement yourself. I am sure statements like “all members of this team are lazy” will do the trick. Comments like “no one is listening” might go unnoticed though, unless someone is actually listening, then it will work as well. And you can then debate with that one person about listening or not listening. So much fun, isn’t it?

Now let’s be serious for moment. These generalization and extremes are often used in conversations. We all are using them, even if we try hard not to. The problem is, they are usually killing the conversation. Instead of making the point we want to make, we are talking at someone or, worse, losing their attention entirely. At the very least we might not be taken seriously.

Some situations might require extremes. It’s not on me to judge. And I am sure there is a lot of truth in the extreme statements that are out there in Social Media. Yet if we want to drive change, I personally think that conversation and dialogues are instrumental. If we judge and while doing so also generalize or use extremes, we might feel like we are making our point. But we might be losing potential allies in the process.

If we want others to listen (I consider reading a text and trying to really understand it as listening too), think and to change then using extremes or generalizations can be counter productive. If we want to provoke and cause disruption and are fine with disagreement and people feeling judged then they are definitely a good choice. Check out my post about my journey of becoming an ally and my thoughts about judgement in the process here.

It all depends on our goal. Any goal is a valid one, we just need to understand we are making a choice. We can choose a conversation and dialogue. But we certainly do not have to.

Oh, and should you choose to try any of this on your spouse, you are doing it at your own risk. I am not going to take any responsibility for what’s going to happen next. But whatever you do, I do not recommend trying any of this on your teams at work.

They definitely always deserve conversation and dialogue. Ups.

So always choose your words wisely & take care

Nannette