Wroooong!

For those of us having the pleasure of currently living in the US did you also just hear that with a certain annoying voice? ?

Before I dive into today’s blog post I would like to acknowledge that I have been a little bit of a stranger here lately. Business travel is half the truth Unexpected accidents and sickness did not help either…well I am on the mend and how to better celebrate than with sharing some thoughts with all of you!

Do you think of yourself as being open to feedback? I would say most of us, if asked, would say we do appreciate feedback. Raise your hand (virtually, remember you do not want to read this in public and have people think you are weird – or need help) if you think so too…

… now let’s be honest: have you ever received feedback and the word making up my title popped up in your mind? Me? Guilty as charged, your honor! Guilty as charged!

Do you remember the post about the life changing feedback I had received? The one about me being easily manipulated by attention and nice talks? Right, who could forget about that. What do you think was my first thought when I heard this soul crushing feedback? If you guessed “wrong”, then at least you are right.

So what did I do, when I got the feedback and this thought popped up? I would love to say I was my best mature self. Swiped the thought away and thanked the person that made me the gift of feedback and then immediately went ahead and changed my life to the better. Unfortunately that only ever works in fairytales, Disney movie’s and romantic comedies. My life does have some comedic elements but unfortunately is none of the above…

For me to live happily ever after with this tough feedback took some time. But I could not get it out of my head. Why? Because as much as I did not want to be like that, the description of the observation was very concrete. He even had examples… and lot’s of them.

And the more distance I got to the situation, the more I realized this feedback might not have felt right. But it also was not wrong. Because feedback is NOT a fact or the stating of the same. It is an observation. Bam. Say what? There is no right or wrong with feedback? Sorry Nannette, I have a lot of examples where the feedback I received definitely was not right. What if I had listened and taken it for real? Bad things would have happened…

Calm down! I am not saying that at all. What I am saying is that judging a feedback you have received might not be the next best thing to do. So how should you deal with difficult to hear feedback?

Acknowledge that this is the perception of another person of a behavior, attitude or situation involving you.

Agree – if not, with the feedback at least with the fact that you understand this is how the other person perceives it.

Thank the person for making the effort of providing feedback to you.

Last but not least – take what has been said with an open mind and find the teachable moment.

There is always a teachable moment with feedback. It might be hiding behind your frustration or your feeling (wish) that this feedback must be wrong but it’s there.

And if you are honest with yourself, as I was after I got over the shock and anger (and shame, lots of shame), who knows – it might just change your life even if only a little bit!

But of course there will be feedback that will not change your life. Feedback that continuous to not resonate with you even after you tried taking different perspectives. So it must be wrong, right? Not quite!

There might be a lot of different reasons for this…I will give you an example…

In one of my last posts I mentioned that the same person that had given me life changing advice, had also provided feedback that could have changed my life yet again. But for the better?

I did not think so. The feedback did not resonate with me at all. I chose to take it but not act on it.

My boss had told me, that I should not be taking the job at American Express. That he did not think I was going to be a good people leader and felt I did not have what was necessary.

In retrospective I think it did not happen the way he predicted but he was not wrong. He never experienced me as a people leader. He never saw me perform when faced with such a role and a team to lead. So his feedback was not an observation, but his prediction of the future based on what he did know at this time.

Missing information is a common reason for feedback not feeling right. And the teachable moment is, we can own what happens next. We can make sure we provide more context and information so that the perception may change. That would not happen, if we dismissed the feedback as wrong..

My boss changed his mind about me being a leader…but that did not really matter. What mattered was I thought about his feedback and was curious enough to find out if he could possibly be right. In doing that I found my own way and grew from there.

That’s the power of feedback it’s either a “life changer” or a great “life challenge” if we get over ourselves, that is.