What If I Have No More Words?

Today’s Struggles Of An Empathetic People Leader

I was going to write a different blog post today. It was going to be uplifting and insightful. I would write about how I constantly work on becoming a better listener, combined with some tips and tricks of course. Words of experience and encouragement. Thought provoking as I like it best.

But then there they were. The dreaded words “she’s gone” silently screaming at me from the green whatsapp screen popup. And just like that, the day is taking a different turn. Not as different as the day of the person who wrote these words, though!

Writing about being a better listener? Another time!

The message came from one of my my dear team members. The backstory is sad, the outcome is worse. Because just a few days ago this member of my team shared with me, that she had lost another aunt. It might sound horrible, but I lost track on how many family member she had lost throughout the past year. The only right count is, too many. And she is not the only one in my team.

We exchanged a few words in our company chat. Her communication channel of choice. I tried to console her and just be there. Offered time off to grieve and take care of her family. But life did not leave her, or me for that matter, any time to even think about what she might need.

Right after this happened she pinged me once again, this time to tell me, that her best friend and her friend’s husband had been hospitalized with Covid. Her friend was in a very bad shape with bilateral pneumonia. I felt so so bad for her. I tried, again, to find words of consolation but most importantly support her in keeping up her hope. When I honestly did not have much hope myself. The way she described her friend’s health status just did not sound too promising. But hope leaves last and we were both clinging to it. Together.

Until today that is. Today the words “she’s gone” popped up on my locked phone screen. And I took a moment. A long moment actually. But then I replied. With all the consoling words I could muster. And honestly it was tough. What do you say? What can you say? Should you say anything at all? Why can’t I freaking be there for her in person? Well, because she lives in the Philippines and is part of my virtual team, that’s why.

And in this moment it hit me. The question creeped into my mind and has been refusing to leave.

What if I have no more words?

Everyone who knows me might think this question is absurd. Because I am a very chatty person and yes, I can be pretty extroverted. And they would not be wrong. But what if I don’t find them anymore? How could I then continue to be the people leader I am aiming to be? Caring and supportive. Always a word of encouragement for everyone. Attentive to the unique needs of every individual in my team? Especially, when they are not (able to)?

This past year and months have challenged me as a people leader in ways I have never experienced before. A huge part of that is the pandemic of course. So, I am sure it’s fair to say, most of the empathetic and caring people leader out there have not had a tool kit to master this situation in their drawer. I have stopped counting the family members and now also friends my team lost in the past 16(ish) months. Some due to Covid, some maybe somehow related and others completely unrelated. There were just so many. It does not really matter, the grief is the same.

And the need to be there, show up as their caring leader and make sure I take care of them, while also not only ensuring business as usual but driving outstanding results. Coverage for absenteeism, extra support for them while not being themselves or at their best. Because let’s face it, even the most supportive of organizations is not all too forgiving, when results are not there at the end of the year. And how can I, as their leader, let them also take a hit on their careers, when they are going through so much already? Simple answer, I can’t!

If you care, you just can’t ignore the fact that some of your team members are lonely while in lock down and meeting with you for a 1:1 might be the only real human interaction they will have in that week. Team members might suffer from severe anxiety and start to deteriorate in their performance but, and that’s what really matters, also in their personal lives overall. They need help and encouragement. And support, an open ear and guidance. More than usually. And every lost family member of a peer makes their situation and being scared worse, too.

When a member of your team is hospitalized and texts you “I almost died twice last night”, how could that not impact you in more ways than just “feeling sorry for them”. You can’t just move on from here as if nothing happened. It changes them forever. And it changes you as their leader, too. In a different way. But I am not comparing.

I could go on and on listing all the challenges an empathetic people leader is facing these days. From the previous team member and friend who’s family is living in India to the previous team member and also dear friend who is suffering from Covid while also managing a work crisis. Or the colleague who took their own life and the grief the colleagues that were also friends with them are having to go through. While you have to watch helplessly and all you can do is offer your support, to listen, to help out whenever you can.

At the same time business is also more challenging than ever. Your work environment has changed with all the benefits and challenges that comes with. Nothing is as constant as change and right now, change seems to be waiting at every corner. Doing everything virtually, not being able to meet in person, facing roadblocks that feel as big as skyscrapers. You have to be flexible and go with the flow without drowning in it.

I bet many of you can relate. I really love my work and I am so blessed and lucky to have a team of current and previous team members who feel that they can trust me. Who feel they can share anything with me and come to me for my support and help or just to vent. And so the crazy thing is, I would not want it any other way.

I would consider being a people leader my calling. Let’s face it, as a caring leader seeing the level of trust and being able to care for and develop your team is super rewarding, too. Being a caring, empathetic people leader comes with a lot of benefits and an even higher amount of responsibility. Because once you have built that trust, you have to honor and fulfill it. You can’t just bail out when things get complicated. You have to be all-in. And it does not end at the office exit. Especially when, in times like these, there is no real office exit. That is at least my definition of being a true people leader. I would consider myself a boss, if I stopped caring at the end of the shift.

But as an empathetic people leader, you need to be very careful, that you do not forget to take care of yourself, too. You need to have an outlet for all the pain and grief you are “co-feeling”. And you need to make sure you keep your body and mind healthy, so that you can continue to be there for your team. Drive awesome results and not forget your own life and career either.

It’s a fine line between caring for the personal problems your team is experiencing vs. making those problems your own. You can offer help and support, but you should not cross that line. It’s going to be tough to come back from there, once you did.

If the above story sounds familiar to you, kudos, you should be proud to call yourself a caring people leader. Let me share some tips to keep your sanity and energy levels high in times of crisis like these:

• Find an outlet (mine is writing, so this post here is my way of processing)
• Take real breaks where you are completely offline and not available
• Move your body (moving around helps “move” perspectives too)
• Remind yourself: You do not have to keep sad or stressful thoughts (tips on how to get rid of nagging thoughts here)
• Talk to someone, when things get overwhelming (or write about it, see above..)
• Set your boundaries (everyone’s boundaries are different, make sure they fit you comfortably)
• Ask for help from your leaders, peers and other team members
• Get professional help if one of your team member needs it – you are not that! (know your limits and don’t cross them).
• Remind yourself that it’s ok to not be ok! I wrote this blog post about it here.

How I am doing it? One courageous step, virtual hug and yes, encouraging word at a time.

So, back to what triggered this post today. The question “What if I have no more words?” .

Well, then we will be quiet together, cry together, laugh together or do whatever will feel right in the moment. Because if we are there, finding the right words is not what matters. The care we are displaying (as a people leader) is!

Take care of yourself!

Nannette

RIP Eunice and all the others we lost. We will keep you in our hearts! ♥