Why I Don’t Mind Being Vulnerable And Neither Should You

Happy International Women’s Day! How are you doing today? I am writing this the day before as Sunday afternoon is for writing. And I am actually having a great Sunday so far today. However overall? I am also feeling sad. And I am definitely a little bit tired, too. Thankfully I have no problem with being vulnerable and sharing this with you. So let’s talk about the benefits of being vulnerable, shall we?

And if you, like me, are curious to learn something new or some additional details every day, check out this UN page talking about International Women’s Day here.

Why tired and sad? Because this week is going to be my “birthday week”. And it is also going to mark one year of having worked in my couch office by myself. Of course not entirely alone, my husband is home too and the pooch is once in a while “joining” me in the office (aka lying on the couch next to me).

On March 10th a year ago was the last time that my husband and I enjoyed a meal inside a restaurant. We also won’t be able to do that again this year, either.

And while 2020 has probably been the best year of my career so far, it also has been the worst year of my career. At least when it comes to tragedies experienced. I sure hope that my vulnerability has made a difference in the lives of my team members. As they were heavily impacted, too.

What does vulnerability actually mean though? Here’s the dictionary definition:

vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty: the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

This does admittedly not sound too appealing. These days, however, we are rarely forced to live in a cage. We are also not exposed to the physical dangers from nature and our natural enemies. Just to be clear, this statement is true for my life and for the lives of others living a fairly safe and protected live.

The vulnerability i.e. of a homeless person is definitely a different story. Unfortunately I might add!

But still, why would I want to be vulnerable and expose myself to potential harm? Good question. First of all I think we need to establish, that vulnerability is not weakness. At all. The opposite is the case. In some situations, in which I have been vulnerable, I felt pretty brave about it.

For me personally, being vulnerable and showing my vulnerability means being human and showing my humanity. This always makes a huge difference, when I am trying to build a relationship. Really any relationship, but especially relationships with colleagues reporting to me.

While some “employees” tend to put their leaders on a pedestal, it’s impossible for me to build an honest, candid and open relationship from “up there”. As a leader, like as a parent, you should walk ahead, next to and behind your team, all at the same time. On top of them? Not so much.

I like to be vulnerable, to help build intimacy and the intimacy is necessary for me to build trust. Honestly if there is no trust, there is no relationship. In my world at least. Care, vulnerability, trust and accountability are critical for me as a person and as a people leader.

One reason for us to not be vulnerable is, that we are afraid someone will judge us. And to be honest, that is absolutely an option. Instead of letting that fear hold me back, I choose to think that it might as well make someone try to walk in my shoes and understand me and my position better. And I also am confident enough to say, whoever throws the first stone, make sure you are not in a glass house.

I definitely want to show who I really am and if people make an effort to see me, great. I am very self-aware. To me it’s really just one small step from knowing how I feel about something to sharing it with others. Sometimes it’s to vent and get it off my chest. Other times it’s to simply show others are not alone with what they are feeling. Writing this blog and mykindofhappiness.net is the ultimate token of vulnerability. I am sharing my failures, my weight loss journey, including before pictures, etc. to support others on similar journeys.

Being vulnerable definitely also helps me to find the people, who I want in my life. People that support me, when I am not pretending to be strong but allowing me to be, well “me”, instead. Strong and vulnerable and everything in between.

Me “being vulnerable” can help others, too. It might show my team and other colleagues, friends and even foreigners, that it is ok to not be ok and to share this openly. And when we do, we can also more easily ask for help, if we need to. I talked about “not being ok” here in more detail.

Recently I made an experience at work, that annoyed me very much. It was one of those situations that make you feel powerless. At least at first. I could not shake it off easily. I had a lot of work on my plate, but I also had a period of two hours with no meetings.

So I reached out to my leader, who was aware of said situation and thankfully agreed with my “perception”. I told him I would log off for those two hours to collect myself, as this upset me very much and I needed time and did not want to impact my work results. Or do something stupid.

It was good to tell him and he immediately offered to chat, if I wanted to. I did not, but appreciated the empathy I allowed him to show thanks to me being vulnerable. Next came the most important step. I told my team. I did not share details on the situation, but did share how much it annoyed me. And that I would take a break to make sure my state of mind would not impact my work results. And also to do something for myself.

This was important, because I wanted my team to know it’s ok to do the same if in a similar situation. Don’t push through with work. Firstly, you need to take care of yourself and secondly, you might not be as productive or successful as you think you will be, with this cloud over your head.

I ended up making a post on LinkedIn showing my vulnerability. In this post I also shared the tools I am using, to get me out of this feeling and back in control and asked others to join me and share theirs, too. This post got a lot of attention and many shared their experience and how they would usually take care of themselves.

After I openly shared my negative feelings, I immediately got over them. And doing something for myself, that also could help others, was the cherry on the cake for me.

As a last step I directed my vulnerability to the person, who had originally upset me. And since I had taken care of myself, I was able to do so in form of a vulnerable but very constructive feedback. Power and control? Successfully reclaimed!

Last year was not short of tragedies, that’s for sure. We sadly lost a colleague to suicide and I was the one to tell one of my dear team members, who also was a very close friend to this colleague. This experience brought me and this member of my team closer together, because I did not even try to not be vulnerable or put up a “strong face” show.

And in the company’s grief counselling session, I also openly shared how it pained me, that I had to give that message to someone I cared for. Because I am part of the leadership team and wanted others in the call to know, that “even” their leaders feel hurt and speak up and so can they. It’s one thing to say it’s a “judgement free zone” and another to go first and show that it actually is. It was tough, I was nervous and I felt really, really brave about it.

Innovation is one of my “brain dominances”, together with “emotionality”. And while that is the case, I often do not embrace change in my life immediately. So I do know very well, that innovation and change can be scary. And because I can relate and openly share this, I can help others overcome their concerns and ultimately actively drive innovation and change together.

Have I always been openly sharing / showing my vulnerability? No, I have not. When I was a child, other children and adults constantly judged me (aka bullied), because I was a big girl in the body of a grown up curvy woman. I was actually vulnerable in the literal definition. People did attack and harm me – mentally.

I had to overcome the insecurities and lack of feeling safe this has caused first, to understand that being openly vulnerable will not bring me back to that place. Because even IF people would judge me today, they would now judge someone that is strong enough to be vulnerable.

Let that sink in!

Why am I sharing my vulnerability story for International Women’s Day? Because women tend to have a talent for showing vulnerability. And many also tend to neglect or plainly hide this talent as they feel it will give them a disadvantage and make them appear even weaker. Since women are still perceived as being weaker (than men), anyways.

Ladies, this is no disadvantage at all. You are strong enough to be vulnerable, use it and don’t hide your strength. Trust me, many men wish they had this superpower.

And no, I don’t think that men can’t be vulnerable. I am actually pretty excited to see many more are choosing to be vulnerable and show it lately. That was not my point.

Be great – be vulnerable – be yourself!

Nannette