Kind of successful…

What is success? What does being successful look like? How does it feel?

I do not know yet how many people are going to read this, but I do know there should be at least as many different answers to these questions as this post will have readers. Or rather even more than that.

This has to do with my definition of success – my kind of success – but I will talk about this in a later post, I promise!

Today I would like to talk about how success should not feel – for me anyways. And I learned this not necessarily the “real hard” way (I did not get injured or lost someone important). But I went through some rather bumpy roads and rough (-ish) times before I fully understood it.

From the beginning: My name is Nannette and I was bullied in school. And bad. Throughout the last years of my childhood and the majority of my teenage years Nannette is not what I have been called much. When I turned ten my body had decided to be 3-4 years ahead of my age – I was an already not well accepted child with the physics of a woman that could have competed with Dolly Parton, no problem. Kids my age and the older ones had their fun with that.

I will spare you the details, let’s just say it was ugly…

That is sad but what does it have to do with how success should not feel you ask? Good question as I was not aware of any connection for a long time either. However I eventually found out and that literally changed my life. Too dramatic? Well it’s my story, my drama!

Before my current job and the job that ultimately helped get me here, my work life was rather…uhm…unstable. I found jobs, I applied and when I got an interview I usually got the job. And that fact and the feeling how I had clearly – based on their excited feedback and compliments – impressed the hiring leader, made me proud.

Interestingly, none of these job were really long term. I did my best, clearly, but I found out that what had been promised to me in the interviews had only been words. I learned that some of my bosses (I had not met a leader back then) were struggling to make ends meet financially, another one just was not dealing too well with leading women… and one was probably literally a criminal. Oh, all of these jobs and bosses were in the Customer Service Business. Maybe not the criminal one – he definitely had a side business…

Other than me quitting or losing a job with them, they all had something else in common – they praised my experience during the interview. They made me feel like I was basically perfect and even though they were very “important” people, they were singing my praises… can you guess where this is going? Well it definitely took me a little longer, before it clicked…

I started a new job in Munich after my husband got an offer to work for FC Bayern München. I started working for Germany’s biggest multi partner loyalty program. I went through the interview the same way as in my previous jobs. I impressed the hiring leader and was proud.

This time things were different though. While it was not all always sunshine, I met my best friend in this job and we kept ourselves sane and motivated whenever the bosses did not. I stayed with the company for many years for the first time in my career.

I was driven ( I still am) and got known to be someone that got things done. But I was also known as somewhat “difficult” (I still am sometimes). I managed a lot of prestige projects and with a lot of pushing got somewhat “promoted”- always in an operational capacity. Never into a prestigious people leader position.

I cared for the success of projects. I wanted to be successful and when I actually successfully completed a task / project I quickly made sure it was known by the leadership team. I knew self-marketing was important and I was good at that. I gave credit where credit was due, never claimed another colleague’s success as mine. Things were great…or were they?

I got a lot of praises and a lot accomplished… for my leader to shine with. And yeah it was kind of frustrating that he would shine with my work and I had to fight for every tiny growths and development in the right direction. But hey my boss liked me and I got compliments from our “big boss”. They liked me and my work…

Wait a minute – they liked you? Do you think? Should they not have developed you and should your boss not let you shine with your great work? Yes, sure that voice was there. Sometimes louder, sometimes barely heard. But there…

And then came the day when the “big boss” got me the ultimate promotion – the highest level of promotion possible for an operational role without people responsibility. And he asked me to go on a walk and talk. And changed my life and my career, without even knowing it. Because what he was about to tell me took away everything that I had declared to be the feeling / confirmation of being successful.

He told me I deserved this promotion. But in all honesty I was not ready for such a responsibility. He went on to tell me how I had reacted after I had met a Senior American Express leader in Italy. I remembered I had met him and, of course, I had impressed him. He clearly liked me and was interested in my opinion on a lot of important topics in the project I was working on. I was thrilled!

Apparently I had shown my excitement when I had told the “ big boss” about this encounter. And he now looked me in the eyes and said the following: “He does not like you, he could not care less about you.” Bam, that hit right in my gut. And then he went on and told me how he did like me and how he wanted me to succeed. But in order to do so, I had to stop “craving” this level of attention and acknowledgement by Senior Leaders or anyone for that matter.

He said people know this about you soon after they meet you. And the ones that do not have your best interest in mind are manipulating you with this. They know they can cause you to react a certain way when they praise and acknowledge you. But they also know they can make you work even harder by withholding the acknowledgment you are craving. They know this is your fuel…it drives your decisions and actions. And it has to stop now!

Wow…what a painful moment. And the even more painful process had just started. Because he also told me to find out, why I was reacting this way so I could stop this behavior. Well…back to the beginning of this post… I was bullied as a kid. And bad…

And from there I went into the world and started dating the wrong type. No, not men. Bosses. The type that learned fast I was easily impressed if I was acknowledged and complimented. I would overlook potential red flags the role, the company or the boss should have posed had I used all my senses. I did not. Not at that time anyways.

I had known it for a while…I should have been proud of what I accomplished. The moment of a successful completion of a project should not have become perfect only after a Senior Leader acknowledged it. It should not have mattered. But I was lazy and it felt good, so why change? But now someone said it out loud. And there went my pretending it did not exist right out of the window. Because I felt kind of successful I was happily complicit in my own career prevention. Yes I had my successes, I was just not able to see the real ones. I let myself be blinded by the light of people that as happily manipulated me with my own weakness.

Soon after this walk and talk, I applied for a role with American Express in NYC. I got the role almost the same way I always got my roles. My confidence in the interview impressed the Senior Leader I interviewed with and of course my experience was perfect. However one thing was different this time – I wore virtual sunglasses. I did not let any compliments or acknowledgement cloud my judgement or blind me. I got a second chance…

Never have I ever since fallen into this trap? I am human, of course I have! But more often then not am I aware that everyone around me is human too (well the humans at least). They all too cook and wash with water and they deserve my respect – when they earn it! And my admiration? Rarely, very very rarely! And never just for being nice!

Success comes in different styles, flavors, expressions. But someone’s acknowledgement does NOT equal success and the absence of the same does not mean you failed!

Does acknowledgement make you feel successful? Great, let it be your own acknowledgement then! How your leader/ boss makes you feel should not steer your actions. Ever! Don’t be easily manipulated by compliments and don’t work harder Just because compliments are withheld. Work harder for the cause, for the challenge.

Don’t choose being kind of successful – the kind that needs external acknowledgement as fuel. You deserve the real deal!

Years ago I got the one feedback I needed to hear. It was so tough. And it changed my life. It inspired me to become a leader that attempts to change others lives, too. It also made me listen to feedback carefully – and then thoroughly think about it. Always think about it.

And on the flip side another feedback from that same person, had I listened to it, would have stopped me from going to NYC to finally become a people leader.

I guess it’s worth talking about feedback and our reactions to it some more. In my next post!

Have a successful week and be kind to yourself and then others!