It Is A Great Idea To Fake It Till We Make It – Sometimes

I think everyone heard the phrase “fake it till you make it” before. We tend to use this catch phrase jokingly, when we are not feeling something (yet), but have no choice. For example we might not be into Mondays. However we do not have much of a choice to start the week on the same. So, our reply to that inevitable “Happy Monday” might be “just gotta fake it till you make it, right?”. But as with many of these slogans, there is likely some truth to it too. Even though we are not in the mood to start the week, yet, we might be telling ourselves we are, until we actually believe it.

And this can be a great idea. Never tried it? You should. In some situations it can make our lives so much easier. I am for example a firm believer that doing any job with a smile will also allow you to enjoy almost any job. Especially as smiles are contagious and when you smiled at someone and they smile back at you, it becomes a mood boosting cycle. It really works.

If you do not yet feel like smiling, faking it can really lead to you actually making it. There is science and studies out there confirming that “fake it till you make it” is a cliché, but one that can actually work. Some examples can be found here.

Since I am not a psychologist or expert in any other capacity, I will stick to my experience. And for me faking it till we make it can be a great tool – sometimes. We just need to be aware that we might be able to always “fake it” yet we will not always “make it”. And that is ok, as long as we are fully clear: Sometimes it really ends with the faking.

And sometimes we are faking when we should be feeling the feelings and put in the work instead. More about my own experience with that later.

I am a fan of team dinners. Sitting together, sharing a meal and chatting outside work is important. Sometimes it’s important to honor the culture of the place your team members are from. Other times it’s important as it allows for a more intimate conversation to continue to build trust and relationships. It allows us to come together in a different capacity and get to know other sides of each other. A nice dinner in a restaurant can really help with team building. I really like team dinners. And I miss them so much, too. Thank you, Covid!

I do, however, not at all like after work happy hours. Other than team dinners, these are centered around drinking together. While companies usually keep them short, so that people do not overdo it with the alcohol, this hits too close to home for me. Having grown up with an alcoholic, events centered around alcohol are just not my cup of tea. To say the least.

Yet they are common and if you are in a leadership position, you have to join. Well, you have to show up, you do not have to drink. But standing in the corner clearly displaying how I am feeling about these events is not really an option either. So I have to fake it. But I have to make sure I am reminding myself, I will not make it. It’s not going to become a fun event for me and faking it even more by going all in (i.e. help the faking with alcohol) will not change that. It will likely make it worse. Or go horribly wrong (picture drunk person throwing up in front of their boss). No, that did not actually happen to me. But I can definitely picture it, still.

Instead, I am preparing myself. I will allow myself to fake it – for a limited amount of time and to a certain degree. I am always making sure I am leaving as soon as it is appropriate to do so. If I am having my team there with me, I will make sure I am using the event to get some quality time with them, focusing on my team and not on this being a “drinking event”. And when I am leaving, I know I will be home with my honey and our pooch and enjoy the rest of the night.

There are more examples of situations when we might choose to fake it. Knowing it won’t mean we actually make it. It’s a choice y’all we do not have to. But it might be the best choice at times.

For example those moments when we are in complete disagreement yet know better than to share that. Yes, providing honest feedback is the better approach. The reality is, that it is not always possible. And if we want our at best half hearted agreement to be convincing at all, we need to fake it so we can be convincing. That does not mean we are going to change our opinion. It does not have to, either.

Faking it without making it, if done consciously with a plan and fully prepared for a limited of time, is absolutely OK to me. It saved me some headache that would not have changed a single thing. Other than me having a headache. It’s my choice.

Yet, for me, there is no simple answer to the question if I should fake it with the purpose to actually make it. It highly depends on the circumstances. I am always trying to check the following before I go all in:

• Who am I trying to convince?
• What is the faking about?
• Am I going to be able to come back from the place this takes me easily and unharmed?

“Who am I trying to convince?” is a really important question. I am the only one I should try to convince. Much like smiling until I feel like smiling, I can also fake confidence if I am not (yet) feeling confident. I am pretty good at convincing myself I am confident in a certain matter. But I would not at all fake confidence, to convince others that I am confident in a matter I have no clue about. That would be like building a house on water. Or building a house of cards. What will happen next?

It will crash and it could bury me underneath. Especially if, in the process, I not only manage to convince others but also myself that I confidently know what I am talking about, when I actually am not having any clue. Hard landing and one I am not going to be prepared for, either.

What is the faking about? Am I really faking it to make it? And if I do not, what happens next?

Walking straight with my head held high until I feel energized and powerful, because I felt a little tired or exhausted and needed a push? Absolutely.

Doing the same combined with a smile to hide deep sadness, depression or other strong negative feelings from myself and others, instead of asking for the help I need? Not something I should be doing. And I am saying should, because I am doing that as well, sometimes. Despite me knowing it’s not a good idea.

There are situations when faking it is not only counter productive, it is a really bad idea. When I am feeling depressed (thank you hormones) or sad (thank you pandemic) and I am faking it till I make it, I will be able to make it. I will appear normal, everyone will believe me when I am saying “I am fine”. But the fact remains, I am not. And it will come to bite me sooner or later.

Am I going to be able to come back easily from the place this takes me?

Much like pressure in a pressure cooker, there is a high likelihood though, that our real feelings will come back up. And because we faked it till we made it, we will not be ready for that. At all. Neither will the people around us. They believed we were fine together with us.

If you’d ask me how I was doing and I was not doing well, you would not know, Because I am really good in ignoring feelings, sickness etc. and believing I am fine, myself. I started this as a teenager when I was asked by our school psychologist if I was doing ok. Yeah of course I am ok. That little bit of bullying or my alcoholic Dad? Not a problem. At all.

So of course I knew how to do this, during the pandemic, the nerve wracking 2020 election and everything else that was going on. My team at work went through a lot of tragedy, one of us needed to be strong. All the time. That someone was me. I faked it till I made it. Pretended all the grief around me was a problem to be solved not a feeling to be felt.

The problem is, this level of faking takes a lot of energy. Energy that I actually need to do my job well. To not be short tempered, snappy, bitchy or impatient with “nonsense in my life”. Check-out my post about my strategies to deal with the nonsense in my life, here. Energy that I need to be motivated and focused on my work as an inspiring people leader.

So while I still thought I was maybe busy and a little stressed, but fine, my facade started to have cracks and suddenly the answer to the question “how are you” became an unsolvable puzzle. And then the last drop hit the barrel and to my own surprise, I was not fine and no matter how much I would try to fake it, I would not make it anymore.

Add hormones to this mix and the struggles are real. Mine definitely were. The good thing is, as good as I am in faking it for myself, I am very self-aware at the same time. I am basically watching myself doing something I know is wrong. For a while I will watch like it’s a movie but at some point I will jump in and realize I have to own this and then I will jump into action to turn things around. I have all the tools. I know my outlet (writing) and that always works.

Whatever our outlet, our support system or strategy, we need to make sure we are honest with ourselves and either ask for the help we need or turn to our outlet and use it. I am definitely doing it. I am doing it right now in fact.

Just once in awhile I let myself slip out of my own control for just a bit. I know how to stop it and how to put in the hard work of being raw, vulnerable and honest instead. With myself first, then with others around me. Because as a people leader and role model, not faking it but showing my own struggles, is so much more powerful. Not faking it and not being strong is the strongest thing I can do.

Someone is asking us, to smile? We should think twice if faking it is worth it. We just had a grumpy start to the day? Let’s go for it. Faking that smile might make our day much better. Or at least not let it get worse.

We are actually overwhelmed by feelings of pain, grief, depression, sorrow? Let’s stop ourselves right there. Before we are faking ourselves into serious problems.

I wrote about my struggles instead of continuing to avoid them. You can find the post here.

As always, there is no one size fits all answer to this important question. And because there is not, I am trying to manage with care.

Yes I will fake a smile until I feel like smiling to be a sunshine for my team at work and for myself. I might fake confidence because I am just having an insecure moment on a work related topic, that I am usually super confident with. I will straighten my back and walk with my head high, when I realize I need energy and power, yet having sat in my couch office in video calls all day took a toll on my posture. Being a “meeting new people introvert”, I will even fake being more sociable than I am until I made it to actually be comfortable with it, to not offend neighbors and not rob myself of the opportunity to actually get to know them.

But I will be super careful doing any of this, in times like these with so much grief and sorrow around me.

Chances are I am faking it to convince myself that I am doing better than I actually am. I learned writing posts like this one is a much, much better way of dealing with that. And sometimes that’s what I need to remind myself of.

Smile (if you feel like it), be well and take care!

Nannette