How I Found The Strength To Be Vulnerable

A dear friend and colleague recently asked me this as a question through our slack program. I had just written two very vulnerable and open blog posts, that resonated with him. You can find both here and here. My very first reaction was to applaud him for recognizing that vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness. This is definitely a great first step in the right direction. I have never considered me being vulnerable a weakness. Others might, though.

What does vulnerability even mean? Well, you can check out the dictionary definition here. And in parts of that definition also lies the answer to our hesitation to be vulnerable. It says and I quote:

Noun: openness to attack or hurt, either physically or in other ways; susceptibility

dictionary.com

This is the very first definition of vulnerability they are showing on their page. And honestly, who would want that? Who wants to be open to (being) attack(ed) or hurt? Right, probably not too many people. Including myself, I might add. And when we are running a business, owning a house or even just having a family, we would probably want to analyze our vulnerability well and make sure we are protected. Much like cavemen and women had to protect themselves from threats and make sure, they were not vulnerable to them, at all.

However, since these times of having to live in caves, we have evolved. Well, mostly. If I am looking at some of the things that are happening in the US and as it relates to Covid-19 right now, than some might rather have regressed. But I digress.

We have evolved and the threats we are facing have, too. Again, for the most part. Some are unfortunately still living lives that have them constantly on high alert due to threats such like wars, homelessness and so on. And yes, in those cases their vulnerability is very comparable to the one of the cavemen and women.

But the majority of us are living a rather protected life and the threats we are experiencing or sometimes just assuming, are less physical and more mental or psychological in nature.

It’s not bodily harm that we are trying to avoid; it’s psychological safety, that we are striving to achieve. And, of course, if we are showing vulnerability, we are opening ourselves up to the “modern days” form of attack and hurt. Judgement. Why is that?

Let’s have a look at the second definition dictionary.com is showing for vulnerability and I quote, again:

Willingness to show emotion or to allow one’s weakness to be seen or known

dictionary.com

When we are showing vulnerability, what we are actually showing is an emotion we are going through or a moment of weakness. With the emphasis of showing weakness. Which is completely different to actually being weak. Yet they are often times used interchangeably.

Meaning, if we are showing a weakness, some people might see us as actually being weak. When we are showing emotions, we are considered to be an emotional person. And yes, that could both be the case. Could. But the opposite could be the case, as well. It’s just not a valid conclusion but a projection.

We don’t like it at all, if others are judging us, yet they constantly are. Almost automatically. And we are also regularly judging others as well. No such thing as a judgement free zone. But the fear that someone could judge us for it, usually keeps us from being vulnerable.

Judgment is however not the only reason stopping us from being vulnerable. In order to show an emotion or a weakness, we must be able to clearly see what is happening with us. And, most importantly, be willing to admit it it. To ourselves, first and foremost. If we are someone who likes to suppress negative experiences, painful feelings or moments of weakness, we will not be able to vulnerable. Not because we mind being vulnerable but because it requires for us to deal with those experiences, first. Or, at the very least, acknowledge they exist or have happened to us.

This can be equally challenging as the fear of being judged. For some, this is even the more difficult part of vulnerability. Admitting to ourselves, that something impacted us. To make things worse, if we are to be vulnerable and share, it’s now out in the open. There is no way we can ignore it anymore. Soon we will feel the pressure to actually do something about it. We might not want that. We might prefer to ignore this until it goes away. Despite the fact that we know, it won’t go away at all. It will rather get worse before it ever goes away.

Last but not least, being vulnerable might require trust. If we do not trust those who we are supposed to be vulnerable around, we will not only fear judgement but also, that our vulnerability might be used against us. And that would only add to the hurt and pain or whatever it is that we are already experiencing. A lack of trust is another barrier for being vulnerable.

Sounds really challenging, Nannette. So how did you build the strength to be vulnerable yourself?

The short answer: I don’t think, that I have anything to lose.

Not really helpful? OK, let me explain. I have previously shared, that I had a rather challenging childhood that included being bullied. While that was an experience I do not wish on anyone, it also taught me a couple of important lessons.

Firstly, I have been judged in the most cruel ways and that fact gives me the sense, that whatever judgment someone else could cast over me today, would not be able to compete anyways. Having experienced and survived constant judgment helped me build a much thicker skin.

You can build a bigger skin, too. And no, you don’t have to ask someone to bully you, to get there. You can start with my second step and in doing so, you will build that thick skin where judgment runs off of you, as if you were a lotus leaf.

Secondly, judgement is happening in someone else’s head. And honestly that’s where it should stay. In an ideal world it would. But unfortunately I can’t influence that, at all. Good news is, I can totally decide, not to let that judgment about me get into my head. Because that is ultimately my choice alone. And I choose to not take on others’ judgment of me. I put out the “Closed” sign, when this is happening and am keeping my mind locked”.

The next part is a little bit more tricky. Trust. Especially for a control freak like myself. In order to build true trust with others, vulnerability is actually critical. It’s one of those things that you need to just assume will fall into place and go for it, even if you do not yet fully trust.

It does not work completely without trust, though. For me it’s sufficient, that I trust myself, that I am doing the right thing. That is usually enough for me to be vulnerable around others, even if I can’t be sure I can trust them. And if someone is trying to use my vulnerability against me? Shame on them. They just lost my trust and my care. And I will still be fine!

It’s not, that this has not happened before. Leaders who took my vulnerability and tried to make me look as “too weak” or not strong enough for a challenge or a task. It’s their loss, not mine. I likely dodged a bullet and learned something valuable about them. That I don’t want to work with them, for instance. Having that clarity is a win in my books.

Lastly, I am trying to be honest with myself. Now, I am also the master in compartmentalization and suppression. So what get’s in my way the most, is not admitting a certain weakness or state of mind, emotion or pain to myself. Because I do not want to face it, let alone do something about it or even work on it. This is definitely a work in progress for me. I will keep working on it, as this is also the most unhealthy reason for not being vulnerable. It’s the one that might hurt ourselves more than anything.

I understand how scary those reasons not to be vulnerable can be. So, let me share, what I gained through being vulnerable and let’s look at the benefits.

I have inspired others with my example and allowed them to be themselves. By telling my story, I have been able to give someone, who was in a bad place in their life, the outlook that they can make it out, too, just like I have. And that they can be fine, happy, content etc. as well.

Being vulnerable helped me build trust with a team, that I have partly never met in person. And show them, that they can trust me, because I trusted them, first. I trusted them enough, to share my emotions, my moments of weakness and was able to ask for help, as well. And in doing so, I gave them permission to do the same with me.

As a leader I am a role model. If I want to, or not. And being vulnerable is a great way to motivate and engage people. Help them to try new things, make decisions and get things done. Because by sharing my failures I am making one thing very clear: failure is an option. It’s not just an option actually, it’s likely going to happen as it does happen to me, all the time. And that is OK. As long as we are learning from it and are moving forward.

I learned being vulnerable by trying and failing, myself. The strengths is coming from the mix of past experiences and the attitude of “nothing to lose anymore” combined with the benefits I have experienced from having been vulnerable in the past. Spiced up by the fact, that I could not care much less about judgment.

And training. A lot of training. Vulnerability is like a muscle. When I am not doing it for a while, I am a little untrained and have to get into the groove again, myself.

You would like to be more vulnerable, but are not sure if you can? As with everything in life, one step and one attempt at a time. Start with taking a moment every day to acknowledge your own feelings, pain, hurt, failures or moments of weakness. Next you can explore sharing those with the people who are closest to you. Tell them upfront that you are trying to train your “vulnerability muscles”, so that they know what’s happening and can support you with positive reinforcement.

Once you feel comfortable, take it a step further and try a short sprint of vulnerability here and there and see what’s happening. You need to do this all consciously and take the time to analyze how you feel about the outcome, afterwards. As with every muscle, strength is build through repetition after all.

Be vulnerable, do you and take care!

Nannette