Hey, have you met…yourself?

“When I discover who I am, I’ll be free.”

Ralph Ellison

I promised to talk about feedback some more. And I will. Especially about what I learned about the value of feedback, how to deal with different types of feedback and what to do when you have a face that usually tells it all…spoiler alert: don’t aim for a career as professional poker player!

Are you regularly looking at yourself in the mirror? Do you think if you described your appearance, it would match exactly what others would describe? Well probably not, as different people focus on different things. We all know the examples of crime stories where usually no witness story matches the others…but I digress. For the purpose of this post let’s assume, what we see in the mirror is close enough to what others see when they look at us.

But would it be the same if we did not ask for how we look, but how we are?

Raise your hand (not necessarily literally unless you are reading this while home alone – otherwise awkward!) If you know the answer to how many “ticks” of your spouse, father, mother, best friend ( you get the idea) could you list if asked?

Me? Well my husband does not have any and that has nothing to do with him potentially reading this and me really enjoying a happy marriage, absolutely nothing!

If you are an observant person (you could also call it curious and some might even call it nosy, which is just wrong), you will notice certain recurrent behaviors / reactions in others. You might even tease them with them, once in a while.

Me? We discussed this already, no ticks in our house, stop poking around!

Anyways, even the less observant people will be able to see a pattern in reactions and might even be able to see, that these behaviors have been triggered by something. Unless you are a psychologist or really curious, this is where observations normally end. But these observations of others help us predict a potential reaction of theirs. For example I personally, when out and about with a certain important person in my life and confronted with a long queue in front of an ice cream parlor, would not expect to be eating an ice cream anytime soon. Some people just don’t do long queues…don’t judge!

Did you raise your hand? Then I bet you know what I am talking about.

Now raise your hand again (same as before and careful if you are reading this while at an auction, dangerous and potentially expensive), if you can list at least 5-10 ticks and typical reactions of yourself. Not as many virtual hands in the air now, am I right?

Humans are usually curious and as a relict from a long time ago when danger was omnipresent, we have the ability to be very observant. We just do not observe ourselves as much. But we should!

After a situation that was difficult or stressful, painful, joyful, fun etc. for us, we should ask ourselves how did I react and why? And what was the outcome! The how and the why are equally important. The how tells you about your patterns. The likes that others might already be well aware of. And the why will tell you what happened in the moment and most importantly in your past that caused a specific reaction right now.

We all come with a backpack that we have filled up during our lives so far. The weight of the “ items” in that backpack has the potential to influence our thoughts and reactions. Some items are still valuable. Others might have been helpful in the past and have lost their value now.

Only if we do check into the backpack regularly and keep an inventory, will we be able to make sure to only allow the impacts we want to accept. Only “show” the ticks we are fine for others to see. We need to observe ourselves as much as others (I would even say more than others) so that we can know our triggers and typical reactions. To ultimately stop them from happening when necessary.

My face literally tells it all. If I am in utter disagreement, my face has the potential to give my thoughts away even before I can open my mouth to vent it out. And I honestly don’t want either to happen. I don’t want to compete with ( the late) grumpy cat nor do I want to vent out when I am really upset, but still faced with the person that caused said feeling. Not in a Business environment anyways. So what do I do?

What I did do is observe myself so I became aware of my triggers and typical reactions. I thought about myself and my reactions in certain situations A LOT. But not judge-mental. In a purely analytical way. What, when, how and why.

And then I trained myself for example in delaying my reaction in difficult situations. In order to buy me some time, I am usually using “I understand” as my go to standard reply. It fits in nearly every feedback or “bad news” situation as an acceptable first reaction. I do not have to think about it, I can use my brain cells for the difficult effort to keep my face under control (neutral is what I am aiming for, a smile would be tough). And I can use the time I am winning as my talk partner tries to understand if that is the expected answer/reaction, to take a deep breathe, lift the “weight” of my backpack and instead of showing my “tick or pattern”, decide what to do.

And if that decision of what to do and how to react instead will take longer, I have now successfully suppressed my “first reaction” and with that good feeling I can calmly postpone my answer by saying something like “let me take this away and get back to you by …”.

I also am now able to show the exact opposite behavior I would usually show in certain situations to influence the outcome in a different way. I am impatient. I want things to move and quickly and with my team I can drive it with pressure and my directness as they are able to deal with it. It’s my standard behavior I default to in these situations. But since I know that, I can now assess if a new team / situation might require a different approach. And at least try to accommodate. Had I not known my pattern, I would not be flexible and just default to what my triggers tell me to do.

What does this have to do with feedback? Everything!

How many surprises can a feedback hold if you know yourself outside and in? Right! And when you know your triggers, how much better will you be able to not only decide what to do with the feedback, but also to be in control of your immediate reaction!

Remember my previous post and how acknowledgement made me feel good and show a certain reaction? Yep, that’s a trigger right there. One I can now deal with much better by showing appreciation for an acknowledgement without letting it fool me. A simple “you are doing a great job” or “you are really good (at what you are doing)” will be met with a neutral to ignorant reaction unless it comes with clear and precise examples of what I did well / am good at… know your triggers, people! It’s not easy and can be quite uncomfortable but it is so worth it.

It lets you become free!