How To Get What We Need? Just Be Supportive!

Well, well, well. Should things really be that simple and easy? No, likely not. Life just really isn’t such an easy thing to do. But if we want to get what we need, it does help to not expect anything from anyone. Instead we should try offering our own support first. One hand might wash the other, if we do.

I recently wrote this LinkedIn post about this German saying of “One Hand Washes The Other”. It feels like everyone has decided the pandemic is over. So I felt it was a very fitting reminder to (please) literally use one hand to wash your other. Try it, it’s exactly how that works.

But most importantly, figuratively this saying has been true for me more often than not. Whenever I want to get what I need, I really do not expect anything from anyone. By the way, there were some interesting comments on that LI post – check them out here. I love it, when not everyone agrees and we can have a discussion. I am always learning something when that happens.

And as I said in that post, I wanted to explore this saying and the meaning for my professional life a little further. And most importantly share some examples. You probably do not know that about me, but while I think of myself as a very caring person and colleague, I also have a reputation of being difficult to work with. At least with some colleagues. And while there is not always a whole lot I can, or want to, do about that, sometimes I could.

Now not everyone will like me and that’s not anything I am thriving for either. With some it’s just acknowledging that you are likely not on the same page on most things and find a way to still work together. Some really will never get you and make their own impression. One colleague shared their sentiment about me with my leader. In the yearly “let’s solicit feedback about someone exercise, some companies love to do. Of course not directly to my face. And their comment clearly shows how not to provide “feedback”:

“Nannette has potential. She just needs to curb that combative behavior, to become a better colleague to deal with”

Anonymous

If you know me just a little bit, you will know I did not care even a little bit. Because I personally do consider “feedback” that is provided about someone instead of to that person, a complaint. If you don’t care enough to talk to me, I really do not care enough about what you have to say. But I digress.

A perception that others might have gotten from me and that is not completely undeserved is, that I am a strong person with strong opinions. And I do not have any problems making my point – clearly and without sugar coding or being all nice and careful or cheerful about it. No reason to tone it down for me, though. The times when women were supposed to smile and make a good impression, instead of making their points, are long gone – for me anyways.

But, if I ask myself why some people struggle working with me, I think it might be the same reason why some teams in our company are having a rather “bad” reputation, when it comes to collaboration. Unrealistic expectations, mismatching goals and people who expect us to do stuff for them, yet who in return do not care for us or our situation. At all.

Does that sound like a valid reason? To me, it definitely does. Because, unless we are dealing with someone super idealistic with the goal to help and please everyone, people are focusing on their own needs and goals, first. And they should. That’s ultimately what they are going to be evaluated (Corporate America) and paid for (mostly every job out there). Ultimately we all want to get what we need.

In my very first post series I talked about having lost my client attitude in the relationship with our servicing partner. And most importantly how that helped me drive outstanding results. The first post of this series can be found here.

I personally think the same applies to the internal collaboration with “peer teams”. First we really need to make them feel like peers. Not like our personal vendor. And genuine care is absolutely critical, paired with some healthy curiosity. Skeptical? Hear me out!

When I started my current role, I was responsible for parts of the US market servicing for the first time. And with that change in roles, I also started to work with a whole lot of new internal “peer groups”. And the collaboration with them is essential, as they manage critical areas with relevant impact on my servicing. Areas such as overall contact volume forecasting, real time workforce management, training, compliance, contract management and so on.

Right after I had taken over the role and my new team member and I were traveling for Business together, a member of one of these peer teams sent a rather “bitchy” email. At least that’s how my brain perceived it at the time and my colleague agreed. He had more experience working with some of the teams that were new to me. And he told me, said person, in fact that team and the entire department were “difficult to work with”. And that they always only wanted the things the way they wanted them. Otherwise they would quickly escalate matters up the ladder. Wow, what an outlook, right?

I loved it. Say what? Well, I love me a good challenge. And it sounded like this would be one, that would give me a run for my money. It was a challenge and it also wasn’t really. Sometimes things are like that, aren’t they?

I was also told I would not like that new colleague my boss hired many, many years ago at my job in Munich, Germany. And of course she became my best friend and still is to this day, across the ocean and all. My leader announced a challenge and that actually made us bond, kind of against him. But we played nice, of course.

So I went to work. And I will describe some of the steps I took with one of the teams, but most apply to the entire group. Spoiler alert: most of the team members of that group I do by now consider work friends. And even their equally “difficult” leaders usually support me. So let me tell you, how we get what we need. My way.

I made an effort to get to know the team. By introducing myself and my team first. In person. I asked my team member to make an arrangement to go “upstairs” to their office area for a brief in person introduction. Next I asked, what they needed from us and what they’d prefer we better not do and why. I played the “new in role card” and told them, I would ask a lot of “stupid” questions, but it was to quote “help you get what you need”.

And I listened, listened, listened and learned. I asked around to understand what problems that team was usually facing. What their goals were vs. ours to understand where they aligned and where they might not. And so on.

And then I used that information to show them, that I understand them and am taking their concerns seriously. When they needed something, I made an effort for my team and I to try and accommodate. Even if it was a little bit of a stretch for us at times. We made it work. I am sure they were surprised to realize “we actually get what we need” from Nannette and her team.

And once that relationship was built on mutual trust, I slowly started to test the water on things I needed help with myself. I always remained mindful of their goals and ours and pro-actively called it out, when I knew what I asked for, would be a stretch for them. I tried to still make it worth doing for them, too. For example by highlighting mid to long term benefits. Most importantly, I never approached it with the “client attitude” of entitlement.

Despite the fact that I might have been entitled to some of what I needed. Because there is really no sense in playing the “entitlement” card. It never works in your favor. Ever. But it kills what little trust you might have been able to build. And it will not help us get what we need – long term. I have been there and done that and I gloriously failed.

Early on in my career I became a team leader in customer service. All I cared for was my goals which I thought also were the goals of the agents reporting to me. Yep, I was that naïve. So I thought if I told my team members what to do and how, they would be doing it. They were paid for it and I was their leader. So I was entitled, wasn’t I? No.

All I actually was, was wrong. And young, stupid and so, so naïve. Before I really could fail in this role, I moved on to another one in the same company. I became a customer service trainer. And I loved it. But also in that role I had my glorious failure moment, when I as the trainer felt the entitlement to the participants attention.

It took a while for me to realize I had to actually earn that attention. And also that I can make rather boring content interesting with my very own sense of humor. Combined with actually caring for the participants and their different levels of knowledge, personal situation etc. and voila a passionate successful trainer was born. I left my sense of entitlement at the doorstep. Lesson learned.

I am a Director in our organization, which is a “manager” role. Many of the colleagues I am working with are in “lower hierarchical levels”. And I hope if you asked them, they would confirm that I never made them feel that at all. I am usually very responsive, when they reach out and I also try to have a quick turnaround on their asks. I just don’t think a manager role makes you a leader. But as a leader you care enough to make an effort.

That is how my reputation of being supportive made it to their leadership team as well and usually leaders appreciate it, if their teams are treated well. And vice versa, of course. So if you consider that, I am already starting with a credit through “word of mouth”. Or at the very least through the absence of “complaints” about non-responsiveness or unsupportiveness. Or other shenanigan’s.

Ultimately we can either feel entitled and try to get what we need through entitlement, or we can be curious to get to know the other side, their goals and their needs. And then try to be as supportive as we can. That way we might not just get what we need one time, because we played the entitlement card. Both sides might just get what they need ALL THE TIME. Or at least built a relationship, that allows for compromises on either side in a balanced relationship.

It really is our choice how to get what we need.

Happy Monday!

Nannette